Finding Zoe Book

I received my copy of the book today.  FINALLY!!! I have been waiting anxiously for this day for 5 years.  I almost didn't want to touch it - it feels so sacred.

How strange it is to see my past life in writing.  I didn't like the person I was back then and I'm sad that I wasn't mature and old enough to understand certain things. Part of the book talks about the meeting my parents, my social worker and I had with the first family I had chosen for Zoe.  It stated in the book that my Dad asked if they were religious or Lutheran or something like that.  Being a Lutheran was a pre-requisite to parenting my child.  How naïve of me.  How odd it was to have my Dad ask them that when he has a pregnant, unmarried teenager.  Pretty hypocritical if you ask me.  It's not my parents fault or anyone's fault - it's just how we were brought up and God knew we just wanted something 'normal' and something we were familiar with in a situation none of us had ever experienced. 

I am sad that I didn't give Zoe's birth dad a chance to express his opinion.  I am sad that he wasn't able to get his voice heard in a diplomatic way and that he was treated as the bad person.  He's not.  He was just trying to figure out the best outcome possible.  Remember - he was 22 and I was 17.  It's a tough situation to be in - me wanting adoption, him wanting to parent.  He was completely capable - but I wouldn't accept that.  At age 17, I was still heavily influenced by my parents and I had been letting them down for long.  I just needed to do something right by them.  It's almost like if I would have decided to keep her, they would have been disappointed in me yet again.  I know they would have supported my decision to parent if I wanted, but we all would have known the alternative would have been so much better - especially for Zoe.

Certain parts of the book are hard for me read.  The hardest part for me to read is the night I had to leave the hospital.  It's very difficult to go back to that dark place of my life - even though everything turned out perfect.  I just want to hug that 17-year old girl and tell her everything will be OK and you really are making the right decision.  All those tears, all the sacrifice, all the love will be totally worth it. 

I am also disappointed in myself that I didn't tell Zoe's birth dad that she was born.  How could I not tell him??  It's his child for goodness sake.  I should have told him out of respect and courtesy.  Maybe I thought he wouldn't find out and we could proceed with the adoption.  I guess I tried to handle the situation the best I thought at the time as a 17-year old.  10 1/2 years later, that is still one of the decisions I regret. 

Zoe's birth dad and I spoke in 2009.  It was the first time since Zoe was placed with Brandi & Tim that we had spoken.  It was wonderful.  It gave me a lot of closure and answers to so many questions I had.  I hope he got some closure to and doesn't have any regrets. 

I sure hope you enjoy - or have enjoyed- the book!  I don't agree with some of things that people stated in the book - especially some of the things I said - but being in the middle of a crisis can really blur your vision.  Looking back, I respect each and every one of the people in the book.  Again - I don't necessary agree with all statements made, but every one deals with situations differently.  I hope you can learn something from the book and appreciate what it's like for a birth parent, adoptive parent, social worker and biological grandparents in this type of scenario.

God Bless!!

Urban Baby

I have started a small business named Urban Baby.  I buy and sell gently used baby items, newborn - 5T.  It is a garage sale without you doing the work! If you are interested in selling me items, I accept:

Clothing, Newborn-5T (no stains or rips)
Toys/Books
Strollers
Cribs
Safety items (bumpers, etc.)
   **No car seats accepted

Anything I do not purchase will be returned to you.

If you are interested in buying, I can ship the items to you for FREE.  However, I must receive payment before I ship.  I currently have baby girl clothes 0-6 months and toys available for purchase.

Please contact me at jessurban2012@gmail.com or 507-236-7454 to get started! 
______________________________________________________________________________

I have been thinking about opening a store the last few months.  I am only online for now, but my dream is to have a store!  My vision is to buy and sell baby/toddler items at an affordable price for all families.  I would like to have a resource corner for shoppers of who local photographers are, local bakers for their kids' birthday cakes, etc.

My county doesn't have anything like this.  The closest 'discount' store is 20 miles away and I hope it will succeed! Not only does it feel GREAT to save money on baby items - especially clothes since they usually only wear it once and they grow out of it!- but it's also nice to get to know your community and converse with other parents.  I want to know about your struggles (because I have been there), I want to help in any way I can - even if it's just a friendly conversation!  Please contact me for more information!

A New Perspective on Mommyhood

I am now a HUGE believer in going on vacation WITHOUT your infant/toddler.  I feel like I have had an epiphany.  I have prayed a lot and I feel like I have my answer.  I feel like God has opened my heart to my daughter.  It’s exhilarating.

In recent posts, I had voiced my feeling about having this wall between me and Adalynn.  I now feel like the wall has been broken down and I feel OK about giving my heart to her now.  Having a week away from her really opened up my eyes to how much I really love her and couldn’t (and don’t want to) imagine my life without her.

Having a full week away from our daughter has given me a new perspective on parenthood.  Yes, it is still hard.  Yes, it still sucks waking up in the wee hours of the morning to feed.  But, I can feel myself having more patience.  I would much rather hear her crying than not hear her voice at all.   Having that time away from her really helped me sort through the feelings I was having. 

I feel like a better mother now.  Crazy how one week can change your perspective.  I feel renewed.  Some people told me they could never leave their child for that long and others said it will be one of the best things I can do for myself.  I see both sides.  If you don’t feel comfortable leaving your child for an extended period of time, then don’t put yourself in that situation.  Maybe you had an easier time transitioning into parenthood.  Maybe you have known your entire life you want to be a parent.  But for me, I needed that reinforcement that I can do this and that I want to do this.  For me, having time away was one of the best things I have done. 

It’s been quite the journey into parenthood and it will continue for the rest of my life.  Now the next step is to hop on and enjoy the ride!

XOXO

Jess

P.S. - book is available for pre-sales, with a ship date of 10/7/14.  Only 6 weeks away! Who knows where it could lead - maybe a movie?  Better brush up on my acting skills from elementary school ;) 

                                                          Adalynn being a big girl in her crib!

 

9 Things I wish I would have known before I had a child

Everyone says that having a baby changes everything in your life and they are right.  But I didn’t think it would literally change everything. I thought of a few things that I wish I would have really contemplated before having a child.  I don’t know if anyone else feels or thinks these, but this is what I have experienced:

1)      It will be very rare to get a full night of sleep for at least 6 months. When Adalynn was 7 weeks old, she slept 12 hours, 14 nights in a row!! I thought we were the lucky parents that had a good sleeper.  Then she got her shots - and she hasn’t slept through the night consistently since.  I knew I loved my sleep and never thought I could function without my 9-10 hours per night.  But, your body adjusts somehow and you keep going!

2)      You will constantly worry about your child’s safety. We leave for Hawaii in a couple of days and we are not bringing Adalynn.  Grandma’s will be taking care of her and I know they will do a great job.  But I still worry - what if she gets sick?  What if one of the grandmas get into a car accident with Addy in the back?  What if she has an allergic reaction to bug bites or something else?  There is always the constant question in the back of my mind- when should I bring her to the doctor? 

3)      You have to keep a nightly routine.  I pick Adalynn up from daycare at 5, we go for a walk, home by 5:45, try baby food by 6, play until 7, read the same 3 books until 7:15, bottle, then bed by 7:30-7:45.  After that, my husband and I can finally eat.  I totally understand how parents have pizza every night or grab something quick from Mcdonalds and eat it on the way home. 

4)      A long weekend or weekend getaway has a totally new meaning.  During the summer we have something going on every.single.weekend.  When preparing to go somewhere, it’s like having a suitcase for the day.  Diapers, food, couple of outfits, toys, blanket, stroller, etc.  If we are going somewhere, I make sure we are there for the day so it’s worth all the work of getting things together. 

5)      You will constantly compare your child to your family or friends’ child.  Whenever Adalynn reaches a milestone, I think of when my nephew did, or a friends’ child did.  I can’t help it - I just want to make sure she is developing at the rate she should - even though all babies are different. 

6)      You will want or need to be home early on the weekends.  Sunday nights are hard.  Adalynn is usually way overtired from all the activities we did over the weekend and she doesn’t usually go to bed at her normal time on the weekend nights - especially Saturday nights.  I wish I could have her to bed at the same time every night of the week - but we need a social life too.

7)      You may have a hard time balancing work, parenthood and life. It is really hard to balance all three.  The month of August is especially crazy this year - Adalynn will be at her normal daycare for like 12 days total all month. The last week in August, Adalynn will be with 3 different caretakers.  I don’t like taking off work - I have deadlines to meet, projects to complete, etc.  Adalynn is almost 7 months and some days I look at her in amazement and think of all the progress she has made over the last 2-3 months.  She is crawling, can stand on her own (using me and my husband as her jungle gym, not lifting herself to the couch, end tables etc. yet) .  I’m happy to be part of those milestones and some days I wish I could be with her all day to help her develop even more of those skills.  I could stay home - we would be fine financially, but wouldn’t be able to live the same lifestyle we do now.  But emotionally I don’t think I could do it.  I yearn for adult conversation and really enjoy feeling a sense of accomplishment.

8)      You will be bringing your child with everywhere.  If my husband is gone on a fishing/hunting trip or has softball on the weekends and he isn’t home - it’s just me and Addy.  If I want to go to Walmart I think twice about it and think “Is it really worth the time and work to bring Addy and her stuff?”   I usually end up waiting until Jerrick gets home or have him stop for me.   If I want to leave town to go shopping  I usually end up asking my mother-in-law to watch Addy because it is very difficult shopping with a baby all day. 

9)      Having a child will be the best thing that has ever happened to you. It is so easy to get discouraged when your baby won’t stop crying, won’t eat, won’t sleep, etc.  I have questioned my ability as a parent many times.  But I am also learning about myself. 

*-

Ø  I’ve learned that I don’t have near enough patience as I probably should with a crying baby.  I reach my breaking point after about 25-30 minutes of Adalynn crying and need help from Jerrick.

Ø  I don’t need to take anyone’s advice.  I gladly accept it, but (for example) I know letting Adalynn ‘cry it out’ doesn’t feel right and I will do things to prevent her from crying for long periods. 

Ø  I always put Adalynn first - doesn’t matter if I am starving, tired, whatever… her needs always come first and I never resent that.

Ø  My 3 favorite parts of the work week: When Addy sees me in the morning, her body goes wild with excitement - legs and arms flailing all over the place and a huge smile; picking her up from daycare - same reaction as the morning; and night time cuddles when she falls asleep in my arms before putting her in her crib.  Some nights I cry with her in my arms because I feel this overwhelming sense of pride and love for her.

Ø  Lastly, I have learned that no one is perfect and it’s impossible to do everything right.  You have to raise your child to know the different between right and wrong and to follow your heart with whatever feels right and pray for guidance, patience and comfort in knowing God has chosen you to take care of you little one.

Adalynn being a big girl and standing up with a little support!

Attachment

Adalynn is 5 1/5 months now and I am still struggling with attachment.  Don't get me wrong - obviously I love her to death, but I feel like I still have this wall between us.  I am so scared of giving her my heart.  Everything that happened with Zoe really scarred me.  I didn't think it would have this much affect on me after 10 years.  Some days are better than others - some days I am bursting with love and admiration for Adalynn and other days I want to be left alone.

When we go to a friends house, I feel isolated.  None of my friends ever make me feel that way - it is just the situation.  Adalynn gets so distracted when she isn't eating at home so I have to go to a quiet place with no one around to get her to eat.  I can't participate in the conversation and we always have to leave early because it is Adalynn's bedtime.  I know our friends completely understand and they have all been there too, but it's hard.  I know this is temporary and these are the things you sacrifice as a parent.    

Reading what I'm writing, it feels like I am being pretty selfish.  I am sorry for that.  I have a friend who lost her first born son after 11 days and I should be thankful for every single day I have with Adalynn.  I'm the lucky one who God chose to take care of Adalynn.  Life is completely different.  My marriage is different - not in a bad way, just different.  It's really hard to have a balance.  I'm so all over the place with my emotions - typical woman I suppose. 

I don't know if I will have another child.  If we do, it won't be for quite a few years.  It's not even hard with Adalynn - she is a really good baby and only really cries/whines when she is hungry or tired.  We got very lucky.  I wish I could embrace parenthood and love every minute of it.  I wish I didn't have this wall built up and could give Adalynn more of me.  I don't know how to break down the wall.  I am always on guard and trying to trust that she is with us forever.

I will always protect my girl and love her, I am just trying to let the scars heal.  I thought they already healed, but being part of the book has opened some pretty deep wounds.  I don't regret the book at all - I think it's a great story of love and sacrifice and there is no one other story out there like ours. 

Thank you to all of you who read this blog and for supporting us.  I love seeing the comments and it feels great to get this off my mind! XOXO

Mother's Day

This blog is waaaayyy overdue.  I apologize - with summer here and Adalynn being much more mobile, it's hard to sit down and get in the right mind set for blogging!

 This year was my 'first' Mother's Day.  Honestly, it was just another day - it didn't feel THAT special to me.  My REAL first mother's day was May 2004.  I had Zoe with me.  I remember we went to Green Mill for brunch with my Dad's side of the family.  I remember leaving her in her car seat on the floor as I ate. She was a good baby and perfectly content in there. 

 
After we ate, we went to my Dad's house.  It was my Dad, his girlfriend at the time, my grandparents, brother and aunts/uncles/cousins.  We were sitting in the living room, all of us surrounding Zoe as she was playing under her jungle gym.  My uncle asked me what I wanted for my future.  How was I supposed to answer that?  I wanted to go to college, but I also wanted to take care of Zoe.  He asked me what my dreams are - how am I supposed to answer that?  I didn't know.  I was 17.  Any normal 17 year old doesn't know what they want in life, let alone a 17 year old mother who has no idea where her life was going under the circumstances that seemed uncontrollable.  I dreamt of working in New York.  I dreamt of being a stay-at-home Mom.   I dreamt of leaving the states and living somewhere exotic with Zoe.  None of my dreams seemed realistic at the time, so I didn't know how to answer those questions.  Later that day, my brother and I went to Austin to be with our mother.  He drove my car and I was in the backseat with Zoe, feeding her in her car seat. 

 
I often wonder what my brother thought of this whole situation.  He was in college, so he had his own life and probably didn't think too much of it.  But, every Mother's Day for the past 10 years, he has gotten me a card.  That truly touches me every single year.  I know your wife reads this dear brother, so I hope she passes this on to you :)

 
I don't think it has sunk in that I will have my daughter with me every Mother's Day now.  I'm so used to celebrating Mother's Day with my Mother (and now my MIL), that I don't know HOW to celebrate me being a Mother.  To me, Mother's Day has just been another year without my babe. It's just different now and I'm trying to learn to not associate Mother's Day/parenthood with negative feelings. 

 
Anyway - thank you for reading my blog.  It feels great to get the emotions out - good and bad ones!

 
The book is available for pre-sales, with a 10/7/14 date to be delivered through www.amazon.com!

 
XOXO
Adalynn hanging out!

 My beautiful bouquet of flowers from my husband for Mother's Day!

Taking Zoe home

As I mentioned in another post, I took care of Zoe when she was 6 weeks until she was about 13 weeks old.  Adalynn is that same age right now.  I find myself comparing the girls at this stage.  Zoe was SUCH a talker - always making noises.  She would cry out (not a real cry-just talking) for up to ten minutes.  Adalynn doesn't do that - she responds to me when I coo at her by cooing back, but doesn't talk for a long stretch.  Looking back, I wonder since Zoe couldn't hear, that is why she wasn't responsive to me or would talk for minutes since she couldn't hear herself?

I remember I was served court papers at work for custody of Zoe from her birth father.  In retrospect - he was put in a position where this was the only way his voice could be heard. The guy who gave me the papers was wearing sreett clothes, so I had NO clue it was coming.  I remember I had to close the restaurant that night and when he handed me the papers, I knew what it was.  I couldn't finish my shift - I had someone else do it for me.  That person is actually my husband's step-cousin.  Again- funny how the past always seem to creep up.  I went home and woke my dad up (this was about 11 o'clock at night) and he told me we needed to call my social worker right away in the morning.  My social worker told me either me or Zoe's birthdad would have to pick her up from foster care.  Immediately, I knew that person should be me - I was her mother after all.  I know her birthfather would have done just as good of a job, but I would have felt like a pretty bad mother CHOOSING not to take of her. 

A few days leading up to me picking her up from foster care, I went to city-wide garage sales and got baby clothes (which Adalynn has worn a couple of times actually - I saved all the clothes I had for Zoe) and a car seat.  I would never buy a car seat from a garage sale now (illegal I think?), but I was 17 and had no clue. 

I remember driving up the driveway of her foster parents' country house and thinking they had a lot of cats and that I need to quit smoking.  I never smoked with Zoe in the car of course.  How surreal it was to pick up my daughter that I didn't think I would ever see again outside of pictures.  Her foster parent gave me clear instructions on how often to feed her, how much, when to diaper, how much she sleeps, tips, etc.  I only changed Zoe's diaper in the hospital a handful of times and that was the first time I had ever changed a diaper.  I went to a friends house after I left and she gave me parenting 101 in about 10 minutes (she took care of her infant nephew quite a bit).  What a blur.

It had only been me and my Dad in my Dad's house since I was 16 (my brother was in college).  Now there was a little baby in the house.   What the heck do you do with a baby??? I found myself staring at her a lot and trying to figure out what I was supposed to do, who I was supposed to be.  Should I get attached or am I just a temporary babysitter?  I was so mad at Zoe's birthfather, God, society, anybody really.  It's a terrible thing to go through - not having control of my fate and my daughter's fate at that moment in time.  The ball was in Zoe's birthdad's court and he was doing everything he could to keep her in his life.  I don't blame him - I admire him really.  I especially  have a greater appreciation of his choices now that I have Adalynn.   He was 23, I was 17.  He was at that age to settle down - I still had college years in front of me. 

Zoe's birthfather eventually signed off his parental rights and I had to do it again.  I was numb, emotionless when I went to the lawyers office.  It hurt to much to allow myself to feel anything.  This also meant I had to let her go again.  The 1st time in the hospital, 2nd time now.  Way too much loss for a 17 year old. 

I had a family chosen for Zoe and we met at the Caring Pregnancy Center (now Options Pregnancy Center) in Fairmont.  I held/hugged her one last time and left the center without my baby.  I still cry to this day when I really think hard about that day.

A few months later, the family I had chosen for her decided they were unable to take care of her due to her hearing loss.  I was in college by this point and so many thoughts went through my mind.  Do I quit school to take care of her?  Should I do online courses?  It's this God's way of telling me to keep her again?  Should I move home?  Zoe ended up going back to her foster parents and my social worker told me I needed to pick out a family AGAIN.  Good grief - REALLY?!  So, I chose her parents she is with now - Brandi & Tim.  They are both deaf, with 3 hearing boys.  It's a perfect match. 

My story, Zoe's story and Brandi's story is in a book titled Finding Zoe.  It is currently available to purchase through Amazon (not sure shipping date) for $15.00 and will be available for hard copies October 7, 2014.  I would really encourage you to buy it.  The authors are Gail Harris and Brandi Rarus (Zoe's Mom).  The book is mainly centered around Brandi and embracing being deaf after losing her hearing at age 6, but it goes into great detail about how Zoe found her path into Brandi's arms.  I have been interviewed, my parents, Zoe's birthdad, I think his parents, and the first family.  I guarantee you will be in tears.  I am excited to share Zoe and Brandi's story and I hope you find in your hearts to share it as well!

XOXO

Zoe's birthday Part 2

Day 2 of Zoe's birth was brutal.  I still had a lot of visitors - mainly family.  This was their time to meet their granddaughter/niece while they could.  My social worker told me that I needed to set a time to leave the hospital.  I chose 9pm.  I wanted to stay as late as I possibly could.

7 o'clock rolled around and I asked my Mom to tell everyone to leave the room.  I really didn't have a lot of alone time with Zoe.  Once everyone left,  I had my Mom read a list I had made when I was pregnant.  It was a list comparing adoption and parenting.  I wrote the pros and cons of each:

Parenting                                                                       
1.  I would be stuck working at McDonalds for years  
2.  I would be on welfare for years                        
3.  I wouldn't have the freedom to go out as much
4.  I would have my first born with me
5.  I would catch on to parenting and have support from my family
6.  I would get to see my daughter every day
7.  I wouldn't be able to give her everything she deserved
8.  She would be shuffled between me and her birth dad on weekends - just like I was growing up

Adoption
1.  I could pursue my dream of going to college
2.  Zoe could get any and everything she ever wanted in life
3.  I could give the best gift in the world to a couple that is unable to have kids
4.  I can get pictures of her periodically and still be part of her life
5.  I wouldn't have my daughter with me

My Mom read this list to me half a dozen times.  At this moment, it didn't matter what people thought.  I didn't care about the snickers I would hear walking down the halls in high school (girls can be so cruel - I pray that Adalynn will never be a mean girl and treat people the way I was treated).  At this moment, I knew I could change my mind.  I knew I could take the 'easy' way out.  But I also knew I had to do what was best for my baby girl, and that meant letting her go.

The last hour I asked my Mom to leave the room and it was just me and Zoe.  I rocked her while sitting on a donut pillow (my best friend at the time!).  I told her I was so sorry.  I'm sorry I can't give her everything she deserves.  I'm sorry I wasn't able to take care of her.  I'm sorry I couldn't be what she needed.  I told her I loved her so much and that I am going to feel empty without her.  I told her she needed to see the world and I wasn't able to provide that for her.  I told her I would see her again someday and that I will always look forward to letters and pictures I receive from the family I chose for her.  I rocked her and cried and never wanted to let go.  She was my world if only for a couple of days.

Leaving the hospital without my child was one of the loneliest and saddest times in my life.  My Mom basically carried me out of the hospital because I was so distraught.   I ended up staying overnight with my boyfriend at the time - he was such a great supporter and I am so grateful for that.  He will always have a special spot in my heart for helping me through the hardest time in my life. 

I slept a lot the next few days - physically and emotionally drained.  Her birth father and I had 10 working days to change our minds if we wanted.  I honestly don't remember if I visited her those first 10 days in foster care.  I'm sure I did.  She stayed in foster care for a total of 6 weeks.  I visited once or twice a week while she was there.  After 6 weeks, it was time for her to come home with me - details of that in the next post :)

Funny how the past catches up with you.  The foster parents who took care of Zoe is now taking care of Adalynn twice a week. We only live 5 miles away from each other. 

This was a hard post for me.  It's hard to go back to that place.  It's lonely and empty.  I still cry thinking about the first time I had to let Zoe go (again, more on this later).  Even though I have another daughter, I am always going to yearn to have my first born with me.  I wonder what kind of person she would be had her birth father and I decided to keep her. 

We didn't find out if we were having a boy or girl with Adalynn.  We were SO convinced we were having a boy.  When Jerrick told me it was a girl, I immediately thought of Zoe and her birthday.  I was crying so hard when Adalynn was born.   I was crying because I knew this was my chance to have what I always wanted - another daughter that I could take care of and knowing that she was mine and I get to keep her forever :)

                                                Me & Zoe on top, me & Adalynn on bottom

Zoe's birthday Part 1

Zoe will be turning ten on Saturday.   Every year I can't believe her new age, but TEN?!  That's double digits now - a tween.  *sigh*

My due date was 3/26/04.  The day before Zoe was born was a Sunday, sunny and I was a cleaning maniac at my Dad's.  I was wearing the only pair of sweatpants that fit me and a red and white softball shirt that had my last name on it.  I was nesting - even thought I didn't need to since I knew I wouldn't be able to bring my baby home.

I went to my boyfriend's house (not Zoe's birth dad) and I went to the restroom around midnight and thought my water may have broke.  I called my Dad, told him to bring my hospital bag and meet me at the hospital.  They ran some tests and sure enough, it was my water indeed.  I called my Mom at 2 in the morning and she came over from an hour away to be with me.  We played cards in the middle of the night, I walked around a lot - waiting for my baby's arrival.  I wasn't having contractions, so by 6am the doctor's hooked me up to Pitocin.  I was told by my current doctor that Pitocin is pretty brutal- but I didn't have anything to compare Zoe's birth to, so I thought it was normal to have it.  A few hours later I had an epidural and continued to wait.  My Mom was my birth coach - she will say she may not have done the best job, but she had C-sections with me and my brother, so this was new to her too :)

I don't remember how long I pushed, but I felt so many emotions the moment Zoe was born.  5 pounds, 15 ounces, 19" long, born at 2:42pm on Monday, March 22, 2004.  Numbers I will never forget.  When I heard her first cry, I felt excited, overwhelmed, happy, scared, anxious, sad - all rolled up into a 1/2 second.  My Mom cut the umbilical cord.  What a beautiful moment. 

After I had her, the nurse's took her right away to clean her up. My Dad had left to get me a Perkins chocolate chip muffin right before I delivered, and when he came back into the delivery room he was the first person to see Zoe cleaned up and unfortunately, he caught a glimpse of the doctor stitching me up - I have never seen my Dad that pale in my life.

After a while, I was transported to a different room and settled in for the day.  I was on cloud 9.  Nothing could bring me down.  I didn't mention adoption once.  I needed this.  I needed as much time as I could possibly have with my daughter.  I had a lot of visitors.  I like to think most of them were my friends- but a lot of them came to see a baby, and not necessarily to support me.  However, there was a handful of friends who did come to support me and I will forever be grateful for that.  The majority of my family came and we took a lot of pictures.  Looking back, I wish I didn't allow as many visitors as I did - I wish I spent more alone time with Zoe.  But there would never be enough time in the universe with her.  Day 2 in the hospital reminded me of that.

More to come later this week :)


                                                         me and Zoe day she was born

Baby weight

I gained just under 50 pounds with Zoe - but I was about 110 soaking wet at that age.  Luckily, I only gained about 30 with Adalynn.  It took 9 months to gain that weight, so it will probably take about 9 months to lose it.



I have always had a love/hate relationship with my weight.  Some days I am content and tell myself this body produced two beautiful daughters and I should embrace it.  Other days, I look in the mirror in disgust or see recent pictures of myself and think I really need to lose weight.  I had glucose intolerance with Adalynn - basically me and sugar did not mix well.  The doctor told me I really need to be in the best shape of my life after the pregnancy since I have a significantly increased risk of diabetes later in life - doesn't matter if I am overweight or not.  That scares me to my core.


With weight gain comes the stretch marks.  I have them really bad on my stomach, sides, thighs and even one armpit (weird).  I used the coconut cream stuff - for about a week, then I lost my motivation.  I also have a love/hate relationship with my stretch marks.  I know they will fade over time, but I probably won't be able to wear a bikini again.  Small sacrifice to make for a miracle.  I think stretch marks are beautiful on other women - it means they chose life, it means God has allowed them to experience pregnancy that will never be forgotten. 


I could have lost 30 pounds before we got pregnant and pregnancy was just another excuse to have whatever I wanted to eat.  I am definitely paying for it now!  I have about 50 pounds to lose.  I have lost weight in the past, so I know what to do - just need to be disciplined and not make excuses to go to the receptionist's desk to get a piece of candy!


Good luck to those who feel they need to lose the baby weight - even if your youngest baby was born 15-20 years ago.  Takes time and effort, but being healthy is the greatest gift you can ever give your child.  Good luck!

Nursing

I tried nursing Adalynn for 2 weeks.  I just about lost my mind.  I think that is part of what caused the PPD (post-partum depression).  The books and articles make it sound so easy.  Maybe it is easy for some.  Unfortunately, it didn't come naturally for me.  Adalynn was attached to me one night from 4:30-8p.  I was switching sides every 15 minutes, but she would still be hungry.  That was the last straw for me.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep.  I knew I couldn't be the mother I needed to be if I continued the way I was.  I wanted to give Adalynn the natural and good stuff.  We all know breast milk is the best thing for newborns and infants - it even says so on the formula tub (why would they do that...what a slap in the face!).  I met with a lactation consultant 4 days after Addy was born and she told me a brand of formula was recalled because it had bugs in it.  This recall wasn't recently, but I think about that comment often and still feel the pang of guilt. 

We took Addy on her first outing when she was about 4 weeks old.  We went to a friends birthday party and I saw our friends' sister-in-law nursing her 9 month old.  I felt an overwhelming feeling of jealousy.  Why couldn't I do it?  What was I doing wrong?  Was I not being patient enough? I thought maybe if I pumped then fed her with the bottle, that would get her the nourishment she needed.  I pumped one time for 15 min on both sides and got a combination of 0.5 oz.  No wonder she wasn't happy!  That was my sign that I just wasn't producing enough milk.  Turns out that happened with my maternal grandmother and my mother. 

I wanted to do everything right with this pregnancy/baby.  I started taking prenatal vitamins for 6 months before we started trying.  I didn't drink or smoke leading up to really trying.  I had her room ready by the time I was 5 months along.  I wanted everything to be perfect - including being able to breastfeed.  But, we all know sometimes life doesn't go according to what we have planned. 

I don't understand why I feel so guilty about formula feeding.  Obviously the circumstances were different with Zoe - so I didn't even think about it.  Has society brainwashed me into thinking breast milk is the only nourishment my child can get?  I commend nursing mothers and wish I could be like you.  It has been easier using formula - my husband can really get involved now and we can take turns getting up during the night.  He was just as reluctant to start formula feeding as I was, but the sweet man he is, he told me whatever it takes to keep me happy and feel better, we will work through it together.

Do whatever you need to keep your sanity.  Be the best parents you can be, and it that means formula feeding - do it.  If you are constantly stressed out (maybe even feel a little resentment), your sweet baby will feel that, and he/she does not deserve that.  They deserve all your love and attention.  If you are able to nurse - even better.  I wish anyone else who is having conflicting emotions the best and hope you can find peace in whatever you decide to do!

New Identity

I used to be a party girl in high school - a wild child my Dad would say.  I thought I was invincible.  When my Dad grounded me (which was at least once a month), he would usually hide my car keys.. I searched for them in the middle of the night - IN HIS ROOM - and snuck out.  Anything to be with my friends - they were my world!  And I certainly couldn't miss out on a party.  When I became pregnant, I knew I couldn't be the party girl I used to be.  I had to be responsible and take care of myself.  I felt like I turned into an adult overnight - which may have been the wake up call I needed.  I will never think of Zoe as a mistake- rather a much needed lesson.  I was headed towards the path of destruction and I truly believe becoming pregnant was God's way of telling me to slow down and get my priorities straight. 

As I mentioned in my first post, I took care of Zoe for 7 weeks.  Those 7 weeks were the hardest weeks of my life (until now- when the first 2 weeks of having a newborn were the hardest!).  In my heart, I knew placing Zoe for adoption was the right choice - I just needed to convince her birth father.  How do I even begin to explain what those 7 weeks were like?  I didn't want to bond with her.  If I did convince her birth dad to sign the adoption papers, I would have to lose her again (first time losing her was leaving the hospital without her).  But, she was my daughter.  This perfect little being that was trying to make her way in the world.  I was caught between being a mother and a temporary babysitter. I honestly don't know how I did it.  There was so much uncertainty.  I always wanted what was best for Zoe and I knew I wasn't it.  That hurt.  I hated that I was 17 and couldn't provide for her.  I hated the decisions I made that led up to this point.  I had no idea who I was or who I was supposed to be. 

After Zoe's birth dad and I signed the papers, life went back to 'normal'.  I was still a party girl - just more responsible.  I wouldn't drink and drive, I would always tell my Dad who I was with and very seldom got home after my curfew.  I enrolled into a community college, then enrolled at Winona State University and obtaining by Bachelor degree in Human Resources. 

In my mind, I have always been Jess - who has a daughter that not many people know about.  I am not embarrassed - it just isn't something that comes up in daily conversation.  When I was pregnant with Addy, a lot of people would ask if this was my first.  It's an innocent and common question people ask, but whenever it was asked, I would say yes and feel a pang of guilt and think of Zoe.  That conversation needs to be saved for a different time and place.  She is special to me, and I can't talk about everything that happened in a casual way - there is too much history there.

Now I have a new identity.  I am Jess - mother of 2 daughters and a wife.  It's been difficult to embrace this identity.  I have worked since I was 15 (12 if you count a paper route!), and take great pride in my work.  God bless stay-at-home Moms - I have such a greater appreciation for you.  I couldn't do it - I will be home with Addy a total of 8 weeks and that is plenty for me.  I find my self-worth in my work and not working and being a Mommy (and everything it entails) has been a HUGE adjustment.   In my mind I knew I wouldn't be taking care of Zoe (or so I thought!), so I didn't think about being a Mommy. 

Life is confusing, but I think we all evolve into new identities.  We all change and it's just taking me some time to embrace that change and learn who I am again. 



Me and Addy the day she was born 01/06/2014

Mommyhood.  Parenthood.  Whatever you want to call it - it is not what I thought it would be.

I have a 6 week old daughter, Adalynn, who is happy, laid-back and usually only cries when she is hungry.  I really think we got lucky.  So why am I complaining?  Shouldn't I be happy to have an 'easy' baby?

Let me take you back a few years.  I had a daughter at 17 whom I placed for adoption.  During the process, I took care of her for 7 weeks, then had to let her go (more on this on a different day).  It took 10 years for me to finally have another child - a daughter even!  Was this God's way of giving me closure?  Of me getting the daughter I always wanted?

My first daughter, Zoe, was in foster care from her birth until 6 weeks. Then I took her from 6 weeks to about 13 weeks.  I took care of her because her birth father wanted to parent, not place her for adoption, thus resulting in someone needing to take care of her, which was me.  Again - more on that later.  Since I took care of her for 7 weeks, you would think I should know how to do everything.  But this time, it is different.

Over the last ten years, I have been dreaming and painting a picture in my mind of what it would feel like to have a daughter again.  I saw me gushing over her, laughing with her, feeding her and changing her diapers without being annoyed - all because I finally have what I have wanted for so long.

I didn't feel the instant connection with Adalynn.  In fact, I felt resentment.  When we brought her home, the reality of having a child at home really sank in.  It was never going to be me and my husband again.  Did we have a child too soon?  We were only married for 6 months when we got pregnant.  I wanted our routine back.  I wanted to catch up on our DVR shows and go to bed at 10p and sleep until 7a without interrupted sleep. I wanted to be able to go to Walmart on a moments notice. 

Turns out I ended up having post-partum depression, so that didn't help the situation.  I tried to nurse, which ended up not working out.  I felt like I was doing everything wrong - I felt like a failure.  I felt like I should be HAPPY to have a daughter again.  The guilt was almost unbearable.  I felt guilty that I didn't love my daughter right away, that I couldn't nurse, that I couldn't be the Mommy I have always thought I should be. 

Good thing is, the guilt has passed and it is getting easier.  She is feeding regularly and starting to get in a sleep pattern.  I am still scared to  have a deep connection with her - maybe in the back of my mind I think she isn't going to be with me like Zoe.  I know that isn't true, but my only pregnancy/mommyhood experience happened when I was a 17-year old.  My first pregnancy dealt with grief and loss.  Addy has brought up many emotions that I thought I have worked through.

More to come!