Attachment

Adalynn is 5 1/5 months now and I am still struggling with attachment.  Don't get me wrong - obviously I love her to death, but I feel like I still have this wall between us.  I am so scared of giving her my heart.  Everything that happened with Zoe really scarred me.  I didn't think it would have this much affect on me after 10 years.  Some days are better than others - some days I am bursting with love and admiration for Adalynn and other days I want to be left alone.

When we go to a friends house, I feel isolated.  None of my friends ever make me feel that way - it is just the situation.  Adalynn gets so distracted when she isn't eating at home so I have to go to a quiet place with no one around to get her to eat.  I can't participate in the conversation and we always have to leave early because it is Adalynn's bedtime.  I know our friends completely understand and they have all been there too, but it's hard.  I know this is temporary and these are the things you sacrifice as a parent.    

Reading what I'm writing, it feels like I am being pretty selfish.  I am sorry for that.  I have a friend who lost her first born son after 11 days and I should be thankful for every single day I have with Adalynn.  I'm the lucky one who God chose to take care of Adalynn.  Life is completely different.  My marriage is different - not in a bad way, just different.  It's really hard to have a balance.  I'm so all over the place with my emotions - typical woman I suppose. 

I don't know if I will have another child.  If we do, it won't be for quite a few years.  It's not even hard with Adalynn - she is a really good baby and only really cries/whines when she is hungry or tired.  We got very lucky.  I wish I could embrace parenthood and love every minute of it.  I wish I didn't have this wall built up and could give Adalynn more of me.  I don't know how to break down the wall.  I am always on guard and trying to trust that she is with us forever.

I will always protect my girl and love her, I am just trying to let the scars heal.  I thought they already healed, but being part of the book has opened some pretty deep wounds.  I don't regret the book at all - I think it's a great story of love and sacrifice and there is no one other story out there like ours. 

Thank you to all of you who read this blog and for supporting us.  I love seeing the comments and it feels great to get this off my mind! XOXO

Mother's Day

This blog is waaaayyy overdue.  I apologize - with summer here and Adalynn being much more mobile, it's hard to sit down and get in the right mind set for blogging!

 This year was my 'first' Mother's Day.  Honestly, it was just another day - it didn't feel THAT special to me.  My REAL first mother's day was May 2004.  I had Zoe with me.  I remember we went to Green Mill for brunch with my Dad's side of the family.  I remember leaving her in her car seat on the floor as I ate. She was a good baby and perfectly content in there. 

 
After we ate, we went to my Dad's house.  It was my Dad, his girlfriend at the time, my grandparents, brother and aunts/uncles/cousins.  We were sitting in the living room, all of us surrounding Zoe as she was playing under her jungle gym.  My uncle asked me what I wanted for my future.  How was I supposed to answer that?  I wanted to go to college, but I also wanted to take care of Zoe.  He asked me what my dreams are - how am I supposed to answer that?  I didn't know.  I was 17.  Any normal 17 year old doesn't know what they want in life, let alone a 17 year old mother who has no idea where her life was going under the circumstances that seemed uncontrollable.  I dreamt of working in New York.  I dreamt of being a stay-at-home Mom.   I dreamt of leaving the states and living somewhere exotic with Zoe.  None of my dreams seemed realistic at the time, so I didn't know how to answer those questions.  Later that day, my brother and I went to Austin to be with our mother.  He drove my car and I was in the backseat with Zoe, feeding her in her car seat. 

 
I often wonder what my brother thought of this whole situation.  He was in college, so he had his own life and probably didn't think too much of it.  But, every Mother's Day for the past 10 years, he has gotten me a card.  That truly touches me every single year.  I know your wife reads this dear brother, so I hope she passes this on to you :)

 
I don't think it has sunk in that I will have my daughter with me every Mother's Day now.  I'm so used to celebrating Mother's Day with my Mother (and now my MIL), that I don't know HOW to celebrate me being a Mother.  To me, Mother's Day has just been another year without my babe. It's just different now and I'm trying to learn to not associate Mother's Day/parenthood with negative feelings. 

 
Anyway - thank you for reading my blog.  It feels great to get the emotions out - good and bad ones!

 
The book is available for pre-sales, with a 10/7/14 date to be delivered through www.amazon.com!

 
XOXO
Adalynn hanging out!

 My beautiful bouquet of flowers from my husband for Mother's Day!