Nursing

I tried nursing Adalynn for 2 weeks.  I just about lost my mind.  I think that is part of what caused the PPD (post-partum depression).  The books and articles make it sound so easy.  Maybe it is easy for some.  Unfortunately, it didn't come naturally for me.  Adalynn was attached to me one night from 4:30-8p.  I was switching sides every 15 minutes, but she would still be hungry.  That was the last straw for me.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep.  I knew I couldn't be the mother I needed to be if I continued the way I was.  I wanted to give Adalynn the natural and good stuff.  We all know breast milk is the best thing for newborns and infants - it even says so on the formula tub (why would they do that...what a slap in the face!).  I met with a lactation consultant 4 days after Addy was born and she told me a brand of formula was recalled because it had bugs in it.  This recall wasn't recently, but I think about that comment often and still feel the pang of guilt. 

We took Addy on her first outing when she was about 4 weeks old.  We went to a friends birthday party and I saw our friends' sister-in-law nursing her 9 month old.  I felt an overwhelming feeling of jealousy.  Why couldn't I do it?  What was I doing wrong?  Was I not being patient enough? I thought maybe if I pumped then fed her with the bottle, that would get her the nourishment she needed.  I pumped one time for 15 min on both sides and got a combination of 0.5 oz.  No wonder she wasn't happy!  That was my sign that I just wasn't producing enough milk.  Turns out that happened with my maternal grandmother and my mother. 

I wanted to do everything right with this pregnancy/baby.  I started taking prenatal vitamins for 6 months before we started trying.  I didn't drink or smoke leading up to really trying.  I had her room ready by the time I was 5 months along.  I wanted everything to be perfect - including being able to breastfeed.  But, we all know sometimes life doesn't go according to what we have planned. 

I don't understand why I feel so guilty about formula feeding.  Obviously the circumstances were different with Zoe - so I didn't even think about it.  Has society brainwashed me into thinking breast milk is the only nourishment my child can get?  I commend nursing mothers and wish I could be like you.  It has been easier using formula - my husband can really get involved now and we can take turns getting up during the night.  He was just as reluctant to start formula feeding as I was, but the sweet man he is, he told me whatever it takes to keep me happy and feel better, we will work through it together.

Do whatever you need to keep your sanity.  Be the best parents you can be, and it that means formula feeding - do it.  If you are constantly stressed out (maybe even feel a little resentment), your sweet baby will feel that, and he/she does not deserve that.  They deserve all your love and attention.  If you are able to nurse - even better.  I wish anyone else who is having conflicting emotions the best and hope you can find peace in whatever you decide to do!

New Identity

I used to be a party girl in high school - a wild child my Dad would say.  I thought I was invincible.  When my Dad grounded me (which was at least once a month), he would usually hide my car keys.. I searched for them in the middle of the night - IN HIS ROOM - and snuck out.  Anything to be with my friends - they were my world!  And I certainly couldn't miss out on a party.  When I became pregnant, I knew I couldn't be the party girl I used to be.  I had to be responsible and take care of myself.  I felt like I turned into an adult overnight - which may have been the wake up call I needed.  I will never think of Zoe as a mistake- rather a much needed lesson.  I was headed towards the path of destruction and I truly believe becoming pregnant was God's way of telling me to slow down and get my priorities straight. 

As I mentioned in my first post, I took care of Zoe for 7 weeks.  Those 7 weeks were the hardest weeks of my life (until now- when the first 2 weeks of having a newborn were the hardest!).  In my heart, I knew placing Zoe for adoption was the right choice - I just needed to convince her birth father.  How do I even begin to explain what those 7 weeks were like?  I didn't want to bond with her.  If I did convince her birth dad to sign the adoption papers, I would have to lose her again (first time losing her was leaving the hospital without her).  But, she was my daughter.  This perfect little being that was trying to make her way in the world.  I was caught between being a mother and a temporary babysitter. I honestly don't know how I did it.  There was so much uncertainty.  I always wanted what was best for Zoe and I knew I wasn't it.  That hurt.  I hated that I was 17 and couldn't provide for her.  I hated the decisions I made that led up to this point.  I had no idea who I was or who I was supposed to be. 

After Zoe's birth dad and I signed the papers, life went back to 'normal'.  I was still a party girl - just more responsible.  I wouldn't drink and drive, I would always tell my Dad who I was with and very seldom got home after my curfew.  I enrolled into a community college, then enrolled at Winona State University and obtaining by Bachelor degree in Human Resources. 

In my mind, I have always been Jess - who has a daughter that not many people know about.  I am not embarrassed - it just isn't something that comes up in daily conversation.  When I was pregnant with Addy, a lot of people would ask if this was my first.  It's an innocent and common question people ask, but whenever it was asked, I would say yes and feel a pang of guilt and think of Zoe.  That conversation needs to be saved for a different time and place.  She is special to me, and I can't talk about everything that happened in a casual way - there is too much history there.

Now I have a new identity.  I am Jess - mother of 2 daughters and a wife.  It's been difficult to embrace this identity.  I have worked since I was 15 (12 if you count a paper route!), and take great pride in my work.  God bless stay-at-home Moms - I have such a greater appreciation for you.  I couldn't do it - I will be home with Addy a total of 8 weeks and that is plenty for me.  I find my self-worth in my work and not working and being a Mommy (and everything it entails) has been a HUGE adjustment.   In my mind I knew I wouldn't be taking care of Zoe (or so I thought!), so I didn't think about being a Mommy. 

Life is confusing, but I think we all evolve into new identities.  We all change and it's just taking me some time to embrace that change and learn who I am again. 



Me and Addy the day she was born 01/06/2014

Mommyhood.  Parenthood.  Whatever you want to call it - it is not what I thought it would be.

I have a 6 week old daughter, Adalynn, who is happy, laid-back and usually only cries when she is hungry.  I really think we got lucky.  So why am I complaining?  Shouldn't I be happy to have an 'easy' baby?

Let me take you back a few years.  I had a daughter at 17 whom I placed for adoption.  During the process, I took care of her for 7 weeks, then had to let her go (more on this on a different day).  It took 10 years for me to finally have another child - a daughter even!  Was this God's way of giving me closure?  Of me getting the daughter I always wanted?

My first daughter, Zoe, was in foster care from her birth until 6 weeks. Then I took her from 6 weeks to about 13 weeks.  I took care of her because her birth father wanted to parent, not place her for adoption, thus resulting in someone needing to take care of her, which was me.  Again - more on that later.  Since I took care of her for 7 weeks, you would think I should know how to do everything.  But this time, it is different.

Over the last ten years, I have been dreaming and painting a picture in my mind of what it would feel like to have a daughter again.  I saw me gushing over her, laughing with her, feeding her and changing her diapers without being annoyed - all because I finally have what I have wanted for so long.

I didn't feel the instant connection with Adalynn.  In fact, I felt resentment.  When we brought her home, the reality of having a child at home really sank in.  It was never going to be me and my husband again.  Did we have a child too soon?  We were only married for 6 months when we got pregnant.  I wanted our routine back.  I wanted to catch up on our DVR shows and go to bed at 10p and sleep until 7a without interrupted sleep. I wanted to be able to go to Walmart on a moments notice. 

Turns out I ended up having post-partum depression, so that didn't help the situation.  I tried to nurse, which ended up not working out.  I felt like I was doing everything wrong - I felt like a failure.  I felt like I should be HAPPY to have a daughter again.  The guilt was almost unbearable.  I felt guilty that I didn't love my daughter right away, that I couldn't nurse, that I couldn't be the Mommy I have always thought I should be. 

Good thing is, the guilt has passed and it is getting easier.  She is feeding regularly and starting to get in a sleep pattern.  I am still scared to  have a deep connection with her - maybe in the back of my mind I think she isn't going to be with me like Zoe.  I know that isn't true, but my only pregnancy/mommyhood experience happened when I was a 17-year old.  My first pregnancy dealt with grief and loss.  Addy has brought up many emotions that I thought I have worked through.

More to come!