Nursing

I tried nursing Adalynn for 2 weeks.  I just about lost my mind.  I think that is part of what caused the PPD (post-partum depression).  The books and articles make it sound so easy.  Maybe it is easy for some.  Unfortunately, it didn't come naturally for me.  Adalynn was attached to me one night from 4:30-8p.  I was switching sides every 15 minutes, but she would still be hungry.  That was the last straw for me.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep.  I knew I couldn't be the mother I needed to be if I continued the way I was.  I wanted to give Adalynn the natural and good stuff.  We all know breast milk is the best thing for newborns and infants - it even says so on the formula tub (why would they do that...what a slap in the face!).  I met with a lactation consultant 4 days after Addy was born and she told me a brand of formula was recalled because it had bugs in it.  This recall wasn't recently, but I think about that comment often and still feel the pang of guilt. 

We took Addy on her first outing when she was about 4 weeks old.  We went to a friends birthday party and I saw our friends' sister-in-law nursing her 9 month old.  I felt an overwhelming feeling of jealousy.  Why couldn't I do it?  What was I doing wrong?  Was I not being patient enough? I thought maybe if I pumped then fed her with the bottle, that would get her the nourishment she needed.  I pumped one time for 15 min on both sides and got a combination of 0.5 oz.  No wonder she wasn't happy!  That was my sign that I just wasn't producing enough milk.  Turns out that happened with my maternal grandmother and my mother. 

I wanted to do everything right with this pregnancy/baby.  I started taking prenatal vitamins for 6 months before we started trying.  I didn't drink or smoke leading up to really trying.  I had her room ready by the time I was 5 months along.  I wanted everything to be perfect - including being able to breastfeed.  But, we all know sometimes life doesn't go according to what we have planned. 

I don't understand why I feel so guilty about formula feeding.  Obviously the circumstances were different with Zoe - so I didn't even think about it.  Has society brainwashed me into thinking breast milk is the only nourishment my child can get?  I commend nursing mothers and wish I could be like you.  It has been easier using formula - my husband can really get involved now and we can take turns getting up during the night.  He was just as reluctant to start formula feeding as I was, but the sweet man he is, he told me whatever it takes to keep me happy and feel better, we will work through it together.

Do whatever you need to keep your sanity.  Be the best parents you can be, and it that means formula feeding - do it.  If you are constantly stressed out (maybe even feel a little resentment), your sweet baby will feel that, and he/she does not deserve that.  They deserve all your love and attention.  If you are able to nurse - even better.  I wish anyone else who is having conflicting emotions the best and hope you can find peace in whatever you decide to do!