How strange it is to see my past life in writing. I didn't like the person I was back then and I'm sad that I wasn't mature and old enough to understand certain things. Part of the book talks about the meeting my parents, my social worker and I had with the first family I had chosen for Zoe. It stated in the book that my Dad asked if they were religious or Lutheran or something like that. Being a Lutheran was a pre-requisite to parenting my child. How naïve of me. How odd it was to have my Dad ask them that when he has a pregnant, unmarried teenager. Pretty hypocritical if you ask me. It's not my parents fault or anyone's fault - it's just how we were brought up and God knew we just wanted something 'normal' and something we were familiar with in a situation none of us had ever experienced.
I am sad that I didn't give Zoe's birth dad a chance to express his opinion. I am sad that he wasn't able to get his voice heard in a diplomatic way and that he was treated as the bad person. He's not. He was just trying to figure out the best outcome possible. Remember - he was 22 and I was 17. It's a tough situation to be in - me wanting adoption, him wanting to parent. He was completely capable - but I wouldn't accept that. At age 17, I was still heavily influenced by my parents and I had been letting them down for long. I just needed to do something right by them. It's almost like if I would have decided to keep her, they would have been disappointed in me yet again. I know they would have supported my decision to parent if I wanted, but we all would have known the alternative would have been so much better - especially for Zoe.
Certain parts of the book are hard for me read. The hardest part for me to read is the night I had to leave the hospital. It's very difficult to go back to that dark place of my life - even though everything turned out perfect. I just want to hug that 17-year old girl and tell her everything will be OK and you really are making the right decision. All those tears, all the sacrifice, all the love will be totally worth it.
I am also disappointed in myself that I didn't tell Zoe's birth dad that she was born. How could I not tell him?? It's his child for goodness sake. I should have told him out of respect and courtesy. Maybe I thought he wouldn't find out and we could proceed with the adoption. I guess I tried to handle the situation the best I thought at the time as a 17-year old. 10 1/2 years later, that is still one of the decisions I regret.
Zoe's birth dad and I spoke in 2009. It was the first time since Zoe was placed with Brandi & Tim that we had spoken. It was wonderful. It gave me a lot of closure and answers to so many questions I had. I hope he got some closure to and doesn't have any regrets.
I sure hope you enjoy - or have enjoyed- the book! I don't agree with some of things that people stated in the book - especially some of the things I said - but being in the middle of a crisis can really blur your vision. Looking back, I respect each and every one of the people in the book. Again - I don't necessary agree with all statements made, but every one deals with situations differently. I hope you can learn something from the book and appreciate what it's like for a birth parent, adoptive parent, social worker and biological grandparents in this type of scenario.
God Bless!!
