Mommyhood.  Parenthood.  Whatever you want to call it - it is not what I thought it would be.

I have a 6 week old daughter, Adalynn, who is happy, laid-back and usually only cries when she is hungry.  I really think we got lucky.  So why am I complaining?  Shouldn't I be happy to have an 'easy' baby?

Let me take you back a few years.  I had a daughter at 17 whom I placed for adoption.  During the process, I took care of her for 7 weeks, then had to let her go (more on this on a different day).  It took 10 years for me to finally have another child - a daughter even!  Was this God's way of giving me closure?  Of me getting the daughter I always wanted?

My first daughter, Zoe, was in foster care from her birth until 6 weeks. Then I took her from 6 weeks to about 13 weeks.  I took care of her because her birth father wanted to parent, not place her for adoption, thus resulting in someone needing to take care of her, which was me.  Again - more on that later.  Since I took care of her for 7 weeks, you would think I should know how to do everything.  But this time, it is different.

Over the last ten years, I have been dreaming and painting a picture in my mind of what it would feel like to have a daughter again.  I saw me gushing over her, laughing with her, feeding her and changing her diapers without being annoyed - all because I finally have what I have wanted for so long.

I didn't feel the instant connection with Adalynn.  In fact, I felt resentment.  When we brought her home, the reality of having a child at home really sank in.  It was never going to be me and my husband again.  Did we have a child too soon?  We were only married for 6 months when we got pregnant.  I wanted our routine back.  I wanted to catch up on our DVR shows and go to bed at 10p and sleep until 7a without interrupted sleep. I wanted to be able to go to Walmart on a moments notice. 

Turns out I ended up having post-partum depression, so that didn't help the situation.  I tried to nurse, which ended up not working out.  I felt like I was doing everything wrong - I felt like a failure.  I felt like I should be HAPPY to have a daughter again.  The guilt was almost unbearable.  I felt guilty that I didn't love my daughter right away, that I couldn't nurse, that I couldn't be the Mommy I have always thought I should be. 

Good thing is, the guilt has passed and it is getting easier.  She is feeding regularly and starting to get in a sleep pattern.  I am still scared to  have a deep connection with her - maybe in the back of my mind I think she isn't going to be with me like Zoe.  I know that isn't true, but my only pregnancy/mommyhood experience happened when I was a 17-year old.  My first pregnancy dealt with grief and loss.  Addy has brought up many emotions that I thought I have worked through.

More to come!