Attachment

Adalynn is 5 1/5 months now and I am still struggling with attachment.  Don't get me wrong - obviously I love her to death, but I feel like I still have this wall between us.  I am so scared of giving her my heart.  Everything that happened with Zoe really scarred me.  I didn't think it would have this much affect on me after 10 years.  Some days are better than others - some days I am bursting with love and admiration for Adalynn and other days I want to be left alone.

When we go to a friends house, I feel isolated.  None of my friends ever make me feel that way - it is just the situation.  Adalynn gets so distracted when she isn't eating at home so I have to go to a quiet place with no one around to get her to eat.  I can't participate in the conversation and we always have to leave early because it is Adalynn's bedtime.  I know our friends completely understand and they have all been there too, but it's hard.  I know this is temporary and these are the things you sacrifice as a parent.    

Reading what I'm writing, it feels like I am being pretty selfish.  I am sorry for that.  I have a friend who lost her first born son after 11 days and I should be thankful for every single day I have with Adalynn.  I'm the lucky one who God chose to take care of Adalynn.  Life is completely different.  My marriage is different - not in a bad way, just different.  It's really hard to have a balance.  I'm so all over the place with my emotions - typical woman I suppose. 

I don't know if I will have another child.  If we do, it won't be for quite a few years.  It's not even hard with Adalynn - she is a really good baby and only really cries/whines when she is hungry or tired.  We got very lucky.  I wish I could embrace parenthood and love every minute of it.  I wish I didn't have this wall built up and could give Adalynn more of me.  I don't know how to break down the wall.  I am always on guard and trying to trust that she is with us forever.

I will always protect my girl and love her, I am just trying to let the scars heal.  I thought they already healed, but being part of the book has opened some pretty deep wounds.  I don't regret the book at all - I think it's a great story of love and sacrifice and there is no one other story out there like ours. 

Thank you to all of you who read this blog and for supporting us.  I love seeing the comments and it feels great to get this off my mind! XOXO