New Identity

I used to be a party girl in high school - a wild child my Dad would say.  I thought I was invincible.  When my Dad grounded me (which was at least once a month), he would usually hide my car keys.. I searched for them in the middle of the night - IN HIS ROOM - and snuck out.  Anything to be with my friends - they were my world!  And I certainly couldn't miss out on a party.  When I became pregnant, I knew I couldn't be the party girl I used to be.  I had to be responsible and take care of myself.  I felt like I turned into an adult overnight - which may have been the wake up call I needed.  I will never think of Zoe as a mistake- rather a much needed lesson.  I was headed towards the path of destruction and I truly believe becoming pregnant was God's way of telling me to slow down and get my priorities straight. 

As I mentioned in my first post, I took care of Zoe for 7 weeks.  Those 7 weeks were the hardest weeks of my life (until now- when the first 2 weeks of having a newborn were the hardest!).  In my heart, I knew placing Zoe for adoption was the right choice - I just needed to convince her birth father.  How do I even begin to explain what those 7 weeks were like?  I didn't want to bond with her.  If I did convince her birth dad to sign the adoption papers, I would have to lose her again (first time losing her was leaving the hospital without her).  But, she was my daughter.  This perfect little being that was trying to make her way in the world.  I was caught between being a mother and a temporary babysitter. I honestly don't know how I did it.  There was so much uncertainty.  I always wanted what was best for Zoe and I knew I wasn't it.  That hurt.  I hated that I was 17 and couldn't provide for her.  I hated the decisions I made that led up to this point.  I had no idea who I was or who I was supposed to be. 

After Zoe's birth dad and I signed the papers, life went back to 'normal'.  I was still a party girl - just more responsible.  I wouldn't drink and drive, I would always tell my Dad who I was with and very seldom got home after my curfew.  I enrolled into a community college, then enrolled at Winona State University and obtaining by Bachelor degree in Human Resources. 

In my mind, I have always been Jess - who has a daughter that not many people know about.  I am not embarrassed - it just isn't something that comes up in daily conversation.  When I was pregnant with Addy, a lot of people would ask if this was my first.  It's an innocent and common question people ask, but whenever it was asked, I would say yes and feel a pang of guilt and think of Zoe.  That conversation needs to be saved for a different time and place.  She is special to me, and I can't talk about everything that happened in a casual way - there is too much history there.

Now I have a new identity.  I am Jess - mother of 2 daughters and a wife.  It's been difficult to embrace this identity.  I have worked since I was 15 (12 if you count a paper route!), and take great pride in my work.  God bless stay-at-home Moms - I have such a greater appreciation for you.  I couldn't do it - I will be home with Addy a total of 8 weeks and that is plenty for me.  I find my self-worth in my work and not working and being a Mommy (and everything it entails) has been a HUGE adjustment.   In my mind I knew I wouldn't be taking care of Zoe (or so I thought!), so I didn't think about being a Mommy. 

Life is confusing, but I think we all evolve into new identities.  We all change and it's just taking me some time to embrace that change and learn who I am again. 



Me and Addy the day she was born 01/06/2014