As I mentioned in another post, I took care of Zoe when she was 6 weeks until she was about 13 weeks old. Adalynn is that same age right now. I find myself comparing the girls at this stage. Zoe was SUCH a talker - always making noises. She would cry out (not a real cry-just talking) for up to ten minutes. Adalynn doesn't do that - she responds to me when I coo at her by cooing back, but doesn't talk for a long stretch. Looking back, I wonder since Zoe couldn't hear, that is why she wasn't responsive to me or would talk for minutes since she couldn't hear herself?
I remember I was served court papers at work for custody of Zoe from her birth father. In retrospect - he was put in a position where this was the only way his voice could be heard. The guy who gave me the papers was wearing sreett clothes, so I had NO clue it was coming. I remember I had to close the restaurant that night and when he handed me the papers, I knew what it was. I couldn't finish my shift - I had someone else do it for me. That person is actually my husband's step-cousin. Again- funny how the past always seem to creep up. I went home and woke my dad up (this was about 11 o'clock at night) and he told me we needed to call my social worker right away in the morning. My social worker told me either me or Zoe's birthdad would have to pick her up from foster care. Immediately, I knew that person should be me - I was her mother after all. I know her birthfather would have done just as good of a job, but I would have felt like a pretty bad mother CHOOSING not to take of her.
A few days leading up to me picking her up from foster care, I went to city-wide garage sales and got baby clothes (which Adalynn has worn a couple of times actually - I saved all the clothes I had for Zoe) and a car seat. I would never buy a car seat from a garage sale now (illegal I think?), but I was 17 and had no clue.
I remember driving up the driveway of her foster parents' country house and thinking they had a lot of cats and that I need to quit smoking. I never smoked with Zoe in the car of course. How surreal it was to pick up my daughter that I didn't think I would ever see again outside of pictures. Her foster parent gave me clear instructions on how often to feed her, how much, when to diaper, how much she sleeps, tips, etc. I only changed Zoe's diaper in the hospital a handful of times and that was the first time I had ever changed a diaper. I went to a friends house after I left and she gave me parenting 101 in about 10 minutes (she took care of her infant nephew quite a bit). What a blur.
It had only been me and my Dad in my Dad's house since I was 16 (my brother was in college). Now there was a little baby in the house. What the heck do you do with a baby??? I found myself staring at her a lot and trying to figure out what I was supposed to do, who I was supposed to be. Should I get attached or am I just a temporary babysitter? I was so mad at Zoe's birthfather, God, society, anybody really. It's a terrible thing to go through - not having control of my fate and my daughter's fate at that moment in time. The ball was in Zoe's birthdad's court and he was doing everything he could to keep her in his life. I don't blame him - I admire him really. I especially have a greater appreciation of his choices now that I have Adalynn. He was 23, I was 17. He was at that age to settle down - I still had college years in front of me.
Zoe's birthfather eventually signed off his parental rights and I had to do it again. I was numb, emotionless when I went to the lawyers office. It hurt to much to allow myself to feel anything. This also meant I had to let her go again. The 1st time in the hospital, 2nd time now. Way too much loss for a 17 year old.
I had a family chosen for Zoe and we met at the Caring Pregnancy Center (now Options Pregnancy Center) in Fairmont. I held/hugged her one last time and left the center without my baby. I still cry to this day when I really think hard about that day.
A few months later, the family I had chosen for her decided they were unable to take care of her due to her hearing loss. I was in college by this point and so many thoughts went through my mind. Do I quit school to take care of her? Should I do online courses? It's this God's way of telling me to keep her again? Should I move home? Zoe ended up going back to her foster parents and my social worker told me I needed to pick out a family AGAIN. Good grief - REALLY?! So, I chose her parents she is with now - Brandi & Tim. They are both deaf, with 3 hearing boys. It's a perfect match.
My story, Zoe's story and Brandi's story is in a book titled Finding Zoe. It is currently available to purchase through Amazon (not sure shipping date) for $15.00 and will be available for hard copies October 7, 2014. I would really encourage you to buy it. The authors are Gail Harris and Brandi Rarus (Zoe's Mom). The book is mainly centered around Brandi and embracing being deaf after losing her hearing at age 6, but it goes into great detail about how Zoe found her path into Brandi's arms. I have been interviewed, my parents, Zoe's birthdad, I think his parents, and the first family. I guarantee you will be in tears. I am excited to share Zoe and Brandi's story and I hope you find in your hearts to share it as well!
XOXO
