Zoe's birthday Part 2

Day 2 of Zoe's birth was brutal.  I still had a lot of visitors - mainly family.  This was their time to meet their granddaughter/niece while they could.  My social worker told me that I needed to set a time to leave the hospital.  I chose 9pm.  I wanted to stay as late as I possibly could.

7 o'clock rolled around and I asked my Mom to tell everyone to leave the room.  I really didn't have a lot of alone time with Zoe.  Once everyone left,  I had my Mom read a list I had made when I was pregnant.  It was a list comparing adoption and parenting.  I wrote the pros and cons of each:

Parenting                                                                       
1.  I would be stuck working at McDonalds for years  
2.  I would be on welfare for years                        
3.  I wouldn't have the freedom to go out as much
4.  I would have my first born with me
5.  I would catch on to parenting and have support from my family
6.  I would get to see my daughter every day
7.  I wouldn't be able to give her everything she deserved
8.  She would be shuffled between me and her birth dad on weekends - just like I was growing up

Adoption
1.  I could pursue my dream of going to college
2.  Zoe could get any and everything she ever wanted in life
3.  I could give the best gift in the world to a couple that is unable to have kids
4.  I can get pictures of her periodically and still be part of her life
5.  I wouldn't have my daughter with me

My Mom read this list to me half a dozen times.  At this moment, it didn't matter what people thought.  I didn't care about the snickers I would hear walking down the halls in high school (girls can be so cruel - I pray that Adalynn will never be a mean girl and treat people the way I was treated).  At this moment, I knew I could change my mind.  I knew I could take the 'easy' way out.  But I also knew I had to do what was best for my baby girl, and that meant letting her go.

The last hour I asked my Mom to leave the room and it was just me and Zoe.  I rocked her while sitting on a donut pillow (my best friend at the time!).  I told her I was so sorry.  I'm sorry I can't give her everything she deserves.  I'm sorry I wasn't able to take care of her.  I'm sorry I couldn't be what she needed.  I told her I loved her so much and that I am going to feel empty without her.  I told her she needed to see the world and I wasn't able to provide that for her.  I told her I would see her again someday and that I will always look forward to letters and pictures I receive from the family I chose for her.  I rocked her and cried and never wanted to let go.  She was my world if only for a couple of days.

Leaving the hospital without my child was one of the loneliest and saddest times in my life.  My Mom basically carried me out of the hospital because I was so distraught.   I ended up staying overnight with my boyfriend at the time - he was such a great supporter and I am so grateful for that.  He will always have a special spot in my heart for helping me through the hardest time in my life. 

I slept a lot the next few days - physically and emotionally drained.  Her birth father and I had 10 working days to change our minds if we wanted.  I honestly don't remember if I visited her those first 10 days in foster care.  I'm sure I did.  She stayed in foster care for a total of 6 weeks.  I visited once or twice a week while she was there.  After 6 weeks, it was time for her to come home with me - details of that in the next post :)

Funny how the past catches up with you.  The foster parents who took care of Zoe is now taking care of Adalynn twice a week. We only live 5 miles away from each other. 

This was a hard post for me.  It's hard to go back to that place.  It's lonely and empty.  I still cry thinking about the first time I had to let Zoe go (again, more on this later).  Even though I have another daughter, I am always going to yearn to have my first born with me.  I wonder what kind of person she would be had her birth father and I decided to keep her. 

We didn't find out if we were having a boy or girl with Adalynn.  We were SO convinced we were having a boy.  When Jerrick told me it was a girl, I immediately thought of Zoe and her birthday.  I was crying so hard when Adalynn was born.   I was crying because I knew this was my chance to have what I always wanted - another daughter that I could take care of and knowing that she was mine and I get to keep her forever :)

                                                Me & Zoe on top, me & Adalynn on bottom

Zoe's birthday Part 1

Zoe will be turning ten on Saturday.   Every year I can't believe her new age, but TEN?!  That's double digits now - a tween.  *sigh*

My due date was 3/26/04.  The day before Zoe was born was a Sunday, sunny and I was a cleaning maniac at my Dad's.  I was wearing the only pair of sweatpants that fit me and a red and white softball shirt that had my last name on it.  I was nesting - even thought I didn't need to since I knew I wouldn't be able to bring my baby home.

I went to my boyfriend's house (not Zoe's birth dad) and I went to the restroom around midnight and thought my water may have broke.  I called my Dad, told him to bring my hospital bag and meet me at the hospital.  They ran some tests and sure enough, it was my water indeed.  I called my Mom at 2 in the morning and she came over from an hour away to be with me.  We played cards in the middle of the night, I walked around a lot - waiting for my baby's arrival.  I wasn't having contractions, so by 6am the doctor's hooked me up to Pitocin.  I was told by my current doctor that Pitocin is pretty brutal- but I didn't have anything to compare Zoe's birth to, so I thought it was normal to have it.  A few hours later I had an epidural and continued to wait.  My Mom was my birth coach - she will say she may not have done the best job, but she had C-sections with me and my brother, so this was new to her too :)

I don't remember how long I pushed, but I felt so many emotions the moment Zoe was born.  5 pounds, 15 ounces, 19" long, born at 2:42pm on Monday, March 22, 2004.  Numbers I will never forget.  When I heard her first cry, I felt excited, overwhelmed, happy, scared, anxious, sad - all rolled up into a 1/2 second.  My Mom cut the umbilical cord.  What a beautiful moment. 

After I had her, the nurse's took her right away to clean her up. My Dad had left to get me a Perkins chocolate chip muffin right before I delivered, and when he came back into the delivery room he was the first person to see Zoe cleaned up and unfortunately, he caught a glimpse of the doctor stitching me up - I have never seen my Dad that pale in my life.

After a while, I was transported to a different room and settled in for the day.  I was on cloud 9.  Nothing could bring me down.  I didn't mention adoption once.  I needed this.  I needed as much time as I could possibly have with my daughter.  I had a lot of visitors.  I like to think most of them were my friends- but a lot of them came to see a baby, and not necessarily to support me.  However, there was a handful of friends who did come to support me and I will forever be grateful for that.  The majority of my family came and we took a lot of pictures.  Looking back, I wish I didn't allow as many visitors as I did - I wish I spent more alone time with Zoe.  But there would never be enough time in the universe with her.  Day 2 in the hospital reminded me of that.

More to come later this week :)


                                                         me and Zoe day she was born

Baby weight

I gained just under 50 pounds with Zoe - but I was about 110 soaking wet at that age.  Luckily, I only gained about 30 with Adalynn.  It took 9 months to gain that weight, so it will probably take about 9 months to lose it.



I have always had a love/hate relationship with my weight.  Some days I am content and tell myself this body produced two beautiful daughters and I should embrace it.  Other days, I look in the mirror in disgust or see recent pictures of myself and think I really need to lose weight.  I had glucose intolerance with Adalynn - basically me and sugar did not mix well.  The doctor told me I really need to be in the best shape of my life after the pregnancy since I have a significantly increased risk of diabetes later in life - doesn't matter if I am overweight or not.  That scares me to my core.


With weight gain comes the stretch marks.  I have them really bad on my stomach, sides, thighs and even one armpit (weird).  I used the coconut cream stuff - for about a week, then I lost my motivation.  I also have a love/hate relationship with my stretch marks.  I know they will fade over time, but I probably won't be able to wear a bikini again.  Small sacrifice to make for a miracle.  I think stretch marks are beautiful on other women - it means they chose life, it means God has allowed them to experience pregnancy that will never be forgotten. 


I could have lost 30 pounds before we got pregnant and pregnancy was just another excuse to have whatever I wanted to eat.  I am definitely paying for it now!  I have about 50 pounds to lose.  I have lost weight in the past, so I know what to do - just need to be disciplined and not make excuses to go to the receptionist's desk to get a piece of candy!


Good luck to those who feel they need to lose the baby weight - even if your youngest baby was born 15-20 years ago.  Takes time and effort, but being healthy is the greatest gift you can ever give your child.  Good luck!

Nursing

I tried nursing Adalynn for 2 weeks.  I just about lost my mind.  I think that is part of what caused the PPD (post-partum depression).  The books and articles make it sound so easy.  Maybe it is easy for some.  Unfortunately, it didn't come naturally for me.  Adalynn was attached to me one night from 4:30-8p.  I was switching sides every 15 minutes, but she would still be hungry.  That was the last straw for me.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep.  I knew I couldn't be the mother I needed to be if I continued the way I was.  I wanted to give Adalynn the natural and good stuff.  We all know breast milk is the best thing for newborns and infants - it even says so on the formula tub (why would they do that...what a slap in the face!).  I met with a lactation consultant 4 days after Addy was born and she told me a brand of formula was recalled because it had bugs in it.  This recall wasn't recently, but I think about that comment often and still feel the pang of guilt. 

We took Addy on her first outing when she was about 4 weeks old.  We went to a friends birthday party and I saw our friends' sister-in-law nursing her 9 month old.  I felt an overwhelming feeling of jealousy.  Why couldn't I do it?  What was I doing wrong?  Was I not being patient enough? I thought maybe if I pumped then fed her with the bottle, that would get her the nourishment she needed.  I pumped one time for 15 min on both sides and got a combination of 0.5 oz.  No wonder she wasn't happy!  That was my sign that I just wasn't producing enough milk.  Turns out that happened with my maternal grandmother and my mother. 

I wanted to do everything right with this pregnancy/baby.  I started taking prenatal vitamins for 6 months before we started trying.  I didn't drink or smoke leading up to really trying.  I had her room ready by the time I was 5 months along.  I wanted everything to be perfect - including being able to breastfeed.  But, we all know sometimes life doesn't go according to what we have planned. 

I don't understand why I feel so guilty about formula feeding.  Obviously the circumstances were different with Zoe - so I didn't even think about it.  Has society brainwashed me into thinking breast milk is the only nourishment my child can get?  I commend nursing mothers and wish I could be like you.  It has been easier using formula - my husband can really get involved now and we can take turns getting up during the night.  He was just as reluctant to start formula feeding as I was, but the sweet man he is, he told me whatever it takes to keep me happy and feel better, we will work through it together.

Do whatever you need to keep your sanity.  Be the best parents you can be, and it that means formula feeding - do it.  If you are constantly stressed out (maybe even feel a little resentment), your sweet baby will feel that, and he/she does not deserve that.  They deserve all your love and attention.  If you are able to nurse - even better.  I wish anyone else who is having conflicting emotions the best and hope you can find peace in whatever you decide to do!

New Identity

I used to be a party girl in high school - a wild child my Dad would say.  I thought I was invincible.  When my Dad grounded me (which was at least once a month), he would usually hide my car keys.. I searched for them in the middle of the night - IN HIS ROOM - and snuck out.  Anything to be with my friends - they were my world!  And I certainly couldn't miss out on a party.  When I became pregnant, I knew I couldn't be the party girl I used to be.  I had to be responsible and take care of myself.  I felt like I turned into an adult overnight - which may have been the wake up call I needed.  I will never think of Zoe as a mistake- rather a much needed lesson.  I was headed towards the path of destruction and I truly believe becoming pregnant was God's way of telling me to slow down and get my priorities straight. 

As I mentioned in my first post, I took care of Zoe for 7 weeks.  Those 7 weeks were the hardest weeks of my life (until now- when the first 2 weeks of having a newborn were the hardest!).  In my heart, I knew placing Zoe for adoption was the right choice - I just needed to convince her birth father.  How do I even begin to explain what those 7 weeks were like?  I didn't want to bond with her.  If I did convince her birth dad to sign the adoption papers, I would have to lose her again (first time losing her was leaving the hospital without her).  But, she was my daughter.  This perfect little being that was trying to make her way in the world.  I was caught between being a mother and a temporary babysitter. I honestly don't know how I did it.  There was so much uncertainty.  I always wanted what was best for Zoe and I knew I wasn't it.  That hurt.  I hated that I was 17 and couldn't provide for her.  I hated the decisions I made that led up to this point.  I had no idea who I was or who I was supposed to be. 

After Zoe's birth dad and I signed the papers, life went back to 'normal'.  I was still a party girl - just more responsible.  I wouldn't drink and drive, I would always tell my Dad who I was with and very seldom got home after my curfew.  I enrolled into a community college, then enrolled at Winona State University and obtaining by Bachelor degree in Human Resources. 

In my mind, I have always been Jess - who has a daughter that not many people know about.  I am not embarrassed - it just isn't something that comes up in daily conversation.  When I was pregnant with Addy, a lot of people would ask if this was my first.  It's an innocent and common question people ask, but whenever it was asked, I would say yes and feel a pang of guilt and think of Zoe.  That conversation needs to be saved for a different time and place.  She is special to me, and I can't talk about everything that happened in a casual way - there is too much history there.

Now I have a new identity.  I am Jess - mother of 2 daughters and a wife.  It's been difficult to embrace this identity.  I have worked since I was 15 (12 if you count a paper route!), and take great pride in my work.  God bless stay-at-home Moms - I have such a greater appreciation for you.  I couldn't do it - I will be home with Addy a total of 8 weeks and that is plenty for me.  I find my self-worth in my work and not working and being a Mommy (and everything it entails) has been a HUGE adjustment.   In my mind I knew I wouldn't be taking care of Zoe (or so I thought!), so I didn't think about being a Mommy. 

Life is confusing, but I think we all evolve into new identities.  We all change and it's just taking me some time to embrace that change and learn who I am again. 



Me and Addy the day she was born 01/06/2014

Mommyhood.  Parenthood.  Whatever you want to call it - it is not what I thought it would be.

I have a 6 week old daughter, Adalynn, who is happy, laid-back and usually only cries when she is hungry.  I really think we got lucky.  So why am I complaining?  Shouldn't I be happy to have an 'easy' baby?

Let me take you back a few years.  I had a daughter at 17 whom I placed for adoption.  During the process, I took care of her for 7 weeks, then had to let her go (more on this on a different day).  It took 10 years for me to finally have another child - a daughter even!  Was this God's way of giving me closure?  Of me getting the daughter I always wanted?

My first daughter, Zoe, was in foster care from her birth until 6 weeks. Then I took her from 6 weeks to about 13 weeks.  I took care of her because her birth father wanted to parent, not place her for adoption, thus resulting in someone needing to take care of her, which was me.  Again - more on that later.  Since I took care of her for 7 weeks, you would think I should know how to do everything.  But this time, it is different.

Over the last ten years, I have been dreaming and painting a picture in my mind of what it would feel like to have a daughter again.  I saw me gushing over her, laughing with her, feeding her and changing her diapers without being annoyed - all because I finally have what I have wanted for so long.

I didn't feel the instant connection with Adalynn.  In fact, I felt resentment.  When we brought her home, the reality of having a child at home really sank in.  It was never going to be me and my husband again.  Did we have a child too soon?  We were only married for 6 months when we got pregnant.  I wanted our routine back.  I wanted to catch up on our DVR shows and go to bed at 10p and sleep until 7a without interrupted sleep. I wanted to be able to go to Walmart on a moments notice. 

Turns out I ended up having post-partum depression, so that didn't help the situation.  I tried to nurse, which ended up not working out.  I felt like I was doing everything wrong - I felt like a failure.  I felt like I should be HAPPY to have a daughter again.  The guilt was almost unbearable.  I felt guilty that I didn't love my daughter right away, that I couldn't nurse, that I couldn't be the Mommy I have always thought I should be. 

Good thing is, the guilt has passed and it is getting easier.  She is feeding regularly and starting to get in a sleep pattern.  I am still scared to  have a deep connection with her - maybe in the back of my mind I think she isn't going to be with me like Zoe.  I know that isn't true, but my only pregnancy/mommyhood experience happened when I was a 17-year old.  My first pregnancy dealt with grief and loss.  Addy has brought up many emotions that I thought I have worked through.

More to come!