Zoe's birthday Part 2

Day 2 of Zoe's birth was brutal.  I still had a lot of visitors - mainly family.  This was their time to meet their granddaughter/niece while they could.  My social worker told me that I needed to set a time to leave the hospital.  I chose 9pm.  I wanted to stay as late as I possibly could.

7 o'clock rolled around and I asked my Mom to tell everyone to leave the room.  I really didn't have a lot of alone time with Zoe.  Once everyone left,  I had my Mom read a list I had made when I was pregnant.  It was a list comparing adoption and parenting.  I wrote the pros and cons of each:

Parenting                                                                       
1.  I would be stuck working at McDonalds for years  
2.  I would be on welfare for years                        
3.  I wouldn't have the freedom to go out as much
4.  I would have my first born with me
5.  I would catch on to parenting and have support from my family
6.  I would get to see my daughter every day
7.  I wouldn't be able to give her everything she deserved
8.  She would be shuffled between me and her birth dad on weekends - just like I was growing up

Adoption
1.  I could pursue my dream of going to college
2.  Zoe could get any and everything she ever wanted in life
3.  I could give the best gift in the world to a couple that is unable to have kids
4.  I can get pictures of her periodically and still be part of her life
5.  I wouldn't have my daughter with me

My Mom read this list to me half a dozen times.  At this moment, it didn't matter what people thought.  I didn't care about the snickers I would hear walking down the halls in high school (girls can be so cruel - I pray that Adalynn will never be a mean girl and treat people the way I was treated).  At this moment, I knew I could change my mind.  I knew I could take the 'easy' way out.  But I also knew I had to do what was best for my baby girl, and that meant letting her go.

The last hour I asked my Mom to leave the room and it was just me and Zoe.  I rocked her while sitting on a donut pillow (my best friend at the time!).  I told her I was so sorry.  I'm sorry I can't give her everything she deserves.  I'm sorry I wasn't able to take care of her.  I'm sorry I couldn't be what she needed.  I told her I loved her so much and that I am going to feel empty without her.  I told her she needed to see the world and I wasn't able to provide that for her.  I told her I would see her again someday and that I will always look forward to letters and pictures I receive from the family I chose for her.  I rocked her and cried and never wanted to let go.  She was my world if only for a couple of days.

Leaving the hospital without my child was one of the loneliest and saddest times in my life.  My Mom basically carried me out of the hospital because I was so distraught.   I ended up staying overnight with my boyfriend at the time - he was such a great supporter and I am so grateful for that.  He will always have a special spot in my heart for helping me through the hardest time in my life. 

I slept a lot the next few days - physically and emotionally drained.  Her birth father and I had 10 working days to change our minds if we wanted.  I honestly don't remember if I visited her those first 10 days in foster care.  I'm sure I did.  She stayed in foster care for a total of 6 weeks.  I visited once or twice a week while she was there.  After 6 weeks, it was time for her to come home with me - details of that in the next post :)

Funny how the past catches up with you.  The foster parents who took care of Zoe is now taking care of Adalynn twice a week. We only live 5 miles away from each other. 

This was a hard post for me.  It's hard to go back to that place.  It's lonely and empty.  I still cry thinking about the first time I had to let Zoe go (again, more on this later).  Even though I have another daughter, I am always going to yearn to have my first born with me.  I wonder what kind of person she would be had her birth father and I decided to keep her. 

We didn't find out if we were having a boy or girl with Adalynn.  We were SO convinced we were having a boy.  When Jerrick told me it was a girl, I immediately thought of Zoe and her birthday.  I was crying so hard when Adalynn was born.   I was crying because I knew this was my chance to have what I always wanted - another daughter that I could take care of and knowing that she was mine and I get to keep her forever :)

                                                Me & Zoe on top, me & Adalynn on bottom