Zoe's birthday Part 2

Day 2 of Zoe's birth was brutal.  I still had a lot of visitors - mainly family.  This was their time to meet their granddaughter/niece while they could.  My social worker told me that I needed to set a time to leave the hospital.  I chose 9pm.  I wanted to stay as late as I possibly could.

7 o'clock rolled around and I asked my Mom to tell everyone to leave the room.  I really didn't have a lot of alone time with Zoe.  Once everyone left,  I had my Mom read a list I had made when I was pregnant.  It was a list comparing adoption and parenting.  I wrote the pros and cons of each:

Parenting                                                                       
1.  I would be stuck working at McDonalds for years  
2.  I would be on welfare for years                        
3.  I wouldn't have the freedom to go out as much
4.  I would have my first born with me
5.  I would catch on to parenting and have support from my family
6.  I would get to see my daughter every day
7.  I wouldn't be able to give her everything she deserved
8.  She would be shuffled between me and her birth dad on weekends - just like I was growing up

Adoption
1.  I could pursue my dream of going to college
2.  Zoe could get any and everything she ever wanted in life
3.  I could give the best gift in the world to a couple that is unable to have kids
4.  I can get pictures of her periodically and still be part of her life
5.  I wouldn't have my daughter with me

My Mom read this list to me half a dozen times.  At this moment, it didn't matter what people thought.  I didn't care about the snickers I would hear walking down the halls in high school (girls can be so cruel - I pray that Adalynn will never be a mean girl and treat people the way I was treated).  At this moment, I knew I could change my mind.  I knew I could take the 'easy' way out.  But I also knew I had to do what was best for my baby girl, and that meant letting her go.

The last hour I asked my Mom to leave the room and it was just me and Zoe.  I rocked her while sitting on a donut pillow (my best friend at the time!).  I told her I was so sorry.  I'm sorry I can't give her everything she deserves.  I'm sorry I wasn't able to take care of her.  I'm sorry I couldn't be what she needed.  I told her I loved her so much and that I am going to feel empty without her.  I told her she needed to see the world and I wasn't able to provide that for her.  I told her I would see her again someday and that I will always look forward to letters and pictures I receive from the family I chose for her.  I rocked her and cried and never wanted to let go.  She was my world if only for a couple of days.

Leaving the hospital without my child was one of the loneliest and saddest times in my life.  My Mom basically carried me out of the hospital because I was so distraught.   I ended up staying overnight with my boyfriend at the time - he was such a great supporter and I am so grateful for that.  He will always have a special spot in my heart for helping me through the hardest time in my life. 

I slept a lot the next few days - physically and emotionally drained.  Her birth father and I had 10 working days to change our minds if we wanted.  I honestly don't remember if I visited her those first 10 days in foster care.  I'm sure I did.  She stayed in foster care for a total of 6 weeks.  I visited once or twice a week while she was there.  After 6 weeks, it was time for her to come home with me - details of that in the next post :)

Funny how the past catches up with you.  The foster parents who took care of Zoe is now taking care of Adalynn twice a week. We only live 5 miles away from each other. 

This was a hard post for me.  It's hard to go back to that place.  It's lonely and empty.  I still cry thinking about the first time I had to let Zoe go (again, more on this later).  Even though I have another daughter, I am always going to yearn to have my first born with me.  I wonder what kind of person she would be had her birth father and I decided to keep her. 

We didn't find out if we were having a boy or girl with Adalynn.  We were SO convinced we were having a boy.  When Jerrick told me it was a girl, I immediately thought of Zoe and her birthday.  I was crying so hard when Adalynn was born.   I was crying because I knew this was my chance to have what I always wanted - another daughter that I could take care of and knowing that she was mine and I get to keep her forever :)

                                                Me & Zoe on top, me & Adalynn on bottom

Zoe's birthday Part 1

Zoe will be turning ten on Saturday.   Every year I can't believe her new age, but TEN?!  That's double digits now - a tween.  *sigh*

My due date was 3/26/04.  The day before Zoe was born was a Sunday, sunny and I was a cleaning maniac at my Dad's.  I was wearing the only pair of sweatpants that fit me and a red and white softball shirt that had my last name on it.  I was nesting - even thought I didn't need to since I knew I wouldn't be able to bring my baby home.

I went to my boyfriend's house (not Zoe's birth dad) and I went to the restroom around midnight and thought my water may have broke.  I called my Dad, told him to bring my hospital bag and meet me at the hospital.  They ran some tests and sure enough, it was my water indeed.  I called my Mom at 2 in the morning and she came over from an hour away to be with me.  We played cards in the middle of the night, I walked around a lot - waiting for my baby's arrival.  I wasn't having contractions, so by 6am the doctor's hooked me up to Pitocin.  I was told by my current doctor that Pitocin is pretty brutal- but I didn't have anything to compare Zoe's birth to, so I thought it was normal to have it.  A few hours later I had an epidural and continued to wait.  My Mom was my birth coach - she will say she may not have done the best job, but she had C-sections with me and my brother, so this was new to her too :)

I don't remember how long I pushed, but I felt so many emotions the moment Zoe was born.  5 pounds, 15 ounces, 19" long, born at 2:42pm on Monday, March 22, 2004.  Numbers I will never forget.  When I heard her first cry, I felt excited, overwhelmed, happy, scared, anxious, sad - all rolled up into a 1/2 second.  My Mom cut the umbilical cord.  What a beautiful moment. 

After I had her, the nurse's took her right away to clean her up. My Dad had left to get me a Perkins chocolate chip muffin right before I delivered, and when he came back into the delivery room he was the first person to see Zoe cleaned up and unfortunately, he caught a glimpse of the doctor stitching me up - I have never seen my Dad that pale in my life.

After a while, I was transported to a different room and settled in for the day.  I was on cloud 9.  Nothing could bring me down.  I didn't mention adoption once.  I needed this.  I needed as much time as I could possibly have with my daughter.  I had a lot of visitors.  I like to think most of them were my friends- but a lot of them came to see a baby, and not necessarily to support me.  However, there was a handful of friends who did come to support me and I will forever be grateful for that.  The majority of my family came and we took a lot of pictures.  Looking back, I wish I didn't allow as many visitors as I did - I wish I spent more alone time with Zoe.  But there would never be enough time in the universe with her.  Day 2 in the hospital reminded me of that.

More to come later this week :)


                                                         me and Zoe day she was born

Baby weight

I gained just under 50 pounds with Zoe - but I was about 110 soaking wet at that age.  Luckily, I only gained about 30 with Adalynn.  It took 9 months to gain that weight, so it will probably take about 9 months to lose it.



I have always had a love/hate relationship with my weight.  Some days I am content and tell myself this body produced two beautiful daughters and I should embrace it.  Other days, I look in the mirror in disgust or see recent pictures of myself and think I really need to lose weight.  I had glucose intolerance with Adalynn - basically me and sugar did not mix well.  The doctor told me I really need to be in the best shape of my life after the pregnancy since I have a significantly increased risk of diabetes later in life - doesn't matter if I am overweight or not.  That scares me to my core.


With weight gain comes the stretch marks.  I have them really bad on my stomach, sides, thighs and even one armpit (weird).  I used the coconut cream stuff - for about a week, then I lost my motivation.  I also have a love/hate relationship with my stretch marks.  I know they will fade over time, but I probably won't be able to wear a bikini again.  Small sacrifice to make for a miracle.  I think stretch marks are beautiful on other women - it means they chose life, it means God has allowed them to experience pregnancy that will never be forgotten. 


I could have lost 30 pounds before we got pregnant and pregnancy was just another excuse to have whatever I wanted to eat.  I am definitely paying for it now!  I have about 50 pounds to lose.  I have lost weight in the past, so I know what to do - just need to be disciplined and not make excuses to go to the receptionist's desk to get a piece of candy!


Good luck to those who feel they need to lose the baby weight - even if your youngest baby was born 15-20 years ago.  Takes time and effort, but being healthy is the greatest gift you can ever give your child.  Good luck!