Finding Zoe Book

I received my copy of the book today.  FINALLY!!! I have been waiting anxiously for this day for 5 years.  I almost didn't want to touch it - it feels so sacred.

How strange it is to see my past life in writing.  I didn't like the person I was back then and I'm sad that I wasn't mature and old enough to understand certain things. Part of the book talks about the meeting my parents, my social worker and I had with the first family I had chosen for Zoe.  It stated in the book that my Dad asked if they were religious or Lutheran or something like that.  Being a Lutheran was a pre-requisite to parenting my child.  How naïve of me.  How odd it was to have my Dad ask them that when he has a pregnant, unmarried teenager.  Pretty hypocritical if you ask me.  It's not my parents fault or anyone's fault - it's just how we were brought up and God knew we just wanted something 'normal' and something we were familiar with in a situation none of us had ever experienced. 

I am sad that I didn't give Zoe's birth dad a chance to express his opinion.  I am sad that he wasn't able to get his voice heard in a diplomatic way and that he was treated as the bad person.  He's not.  He was just trying to figure out the best outcome possible.  Remember - he was 22 and I was 17.  It's a tough situation to be in - me wanting adoption, him wanting to parent.  He was completely capable - but I wouldn't accept that.  At age 17, I was still heavily influenced by my parents and I had been letting them down for long.  I just needed to do something right by them.  It's almost like if I would have decided to keep her, they would have been disappointed in me yet again.  I know they would have supported my decision to parent if I wanted, but we all would have known the alternative would have been so much better - especially for Zoe.

Certain parts of the book are hard for me read.  The hardest part for me to read is the night I had to leave the hospital.  It's very difficult to go back to that dark place of my life - even though everything turned out perfect.  I just want to hug that 17-year old girl and tell her everything will be OK and you really are making the right decision.  All those tears, all the sacrifice, all the love will be totally worth it. 

I am also disappointed in myself that I didn't tell Zoe's birth dad that she was born.  How could I not tell him??  It's his child for goodness sake.  I should have told him out of respect and courtesy.  Maybe I thought he wouldn't find out and we could proceed with the adoption.  I guess I tried to handle the situation the best I thought at the time as a 17-year old.  10 1/2 years later, that is still one of the decisions I regret. 

Zoe's birth dad and I spoke in 2009.  It was the first time since Zoe was placed with Brandi & Tim that we had spoken.  It was wonderful.  It gave me a lot of closure and answers to so many questions I had.  I hope he got some closure to and doesn't have any regrets. 

I sure hope you enjoy - or have enjoyed- the book!  I don't agree with some of things that people stated in the book - especially some of the things I said - but being in the middle of a crisis can really blur your vision.  Looking back, I respect each and every one of the people in the book.  Again - I don't necessary agree with all statements made, but every one deals with situations differently.  I hope you can learn something from the book and appreciate what it's like for a birth parent, adoptive parent, social worker and biological grandparents in this type of scenario.

God Bless!!

Urban Baby

I have started a small business named Urban Baby.  I buy and sell gently used baby items, newborn - 5T.  It is a garage sale without you doing the work! If you are interested in selling me items, I accept:

Clothing, Newborn-5T (no stains or rips)
Toys/Books
Strollers
Cribs
Safety items (bumpers, etc.)
   **No car seats accepted

Anything I do not purchase will be returned to you.

If you are interested in buying, I can ship the items to you for FREE.  However, I must receive payment before I ship.  I currently have baby girl clothes 0-6 months and toys available for purchase.

Please contact me at jessurban2012@gmail.com or 507-236-7454 to get started! 
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I have been thinking about opening a store the last few months.  I am only online for now, but my dream is to have a store!  My vision is to buy and sell baby/toddler items at an affordable price for all families.  I would like to have a resource corner for shoppers of who local photographers are, local bakers for their kids' birthday cakes, etc.

My county doesn't have anything like this.  The closest 'discount' store is 20 miles away and I hope it will succeed! Not only does it feel GREAT to save money on baby items - especially clothes since they usually only wear it once and they grow out of it!- but it's also nice to get to know your community and converse with other parents.  I want to know about your struggles (because I have been there), I want to help in any way I can - even if it's just a friendly conversation!  Please contact me for more information!

A New Perspective on Mommyhood

I am now a HUGE believer in going on vacation WITHOUT your infant/toddler.  I feel like I have had an epiphany.  I have prayed a lot and I feel like I have my answer.  I feel like God has opened my heart to my daughter.  It’s exhilarating.

In recent posts, I had voiced my feeling about having this wall between me and Adalynn.  I now feel like the wall has been broken down and I feel OK about giving my heart to her now.  Having a week away from her really opened up my eyes to how much I really love her and couldn’t (and don’t want to) imagine my life without her.

Having a full week away from our daughter has given me a new perspective on parenthood.  Yes, it is still hard.  Yes, it still sucks waking up in the wee hours of the morning to feed.  But, I can feel myself having more patience.  I would much rather hear her crying than not hear her voice at all.   Having that time away from her really helped me sort through the feelings I was having. 

I feel like a better mother now.  Crazy how one week can change your perspective.  I feel renewed.  Some people told me they could never leave their child for that long and others said it will be one of the best things I can do for myself.  I see both sides.  If you don’t feel comfortable leaving your child for an extended period of time, then don’t put yourself in that situation.  Maybe you had an easier time transitioning into parenthood.  Maybe you have known your entire life you want to be a parent.  But for me, I needed that reinforcement that I can do this and that I want to do this.  For me, having time away was one of the best things I have done. 

It’s been quite the journey into parenthood and it will continue for the rest of my life.  Now the next step is to hop on and enjoy the ride!

XOXO

Jess

P.S. - book is available for pre-sales, with a ship date of 10/7/14.  Only 6 weeks away! Who knows where it could lead - maybe a movie?  Better brush up on my acting skills from elementary school ;) 

                                                          Adalynn being a big girl in her crib!

 

9 Things I wish I would have known before I had a child

Everyone says that having a baby changes everything in your life and they are right.  But I didn’t think it would literally change everything. I thought of a few things that I wish I would have really contemplated before having a child.  I don’t know if anyone else feels or thinks these, but this is what I have experienced:

1)      It will be very rare to get a full night of sleep for at least 6 months. When Adalynn was 7 weeks old, she slept 12 hours, 14 nights in a row!! I thought we were the lucky parents that had a good sleeper.  Then she got her shots - and she hasn’t slept through the night consistently since.  I knew I loved my sleep and never thought I could function without my 9-10 hours per night.  But, your body adjusts somehow and you keep going!

2)      You will constantly worry about your child’s safety. We leave for Hawaii in a couple of days and we are not bringing Adalynn.  Grandma’s will be taking care of her and I know they will do a great job.  But I still worry - what if she gets sick?  What if one of the grandmas get into a car accident with Addy in the back?  What if she has an allergic reaction to bug bites or something else?  There is always the constant question in the back of my mind- when should I bring her to the doctor? 

3)      You have to keep a nightly routine.  I pick Adalynn up from daycare at 5, we go for a walk, home by 5:45, try baby food by 6, play until 7, read the same 3 books until 7:15, bottle, then bed by 7:30-7:45.  After that, my husband and I can finally eat.  I totally understand how parents have pizza every night or grab something quick from Mcdonalds and eat it on the way home. 

4)      A long weekend or weekend getaway has a totally new meaning.  During the summer we have something going on every.single.weekend.  When preparing to go somewhere, it’s like having a suitcase for the day.  Diapers, food, couple of outfits, toys, blanket, stroller, etc.  If we are going somewhere, I make sure we are there for the day so it’s worth all the work of getting things together. 

5)      You will constantly compare your child to your family or friends’ child.  Whenever Adalynn reaches a milestone, I think of when my nephew did, or a friends’ child did.  I can’t help it - I just want to make sure she is developing at the rate she should - even though all babies are different. 

6)      You will want or need to be home early on the weekends.  Sunday nights are hard.  Adalynn is usually way overtired from all the activities we did over the weekend and she doesn’t usually go to bed at her normal time on the weekend nights - especially Saturday nights.  I wish I could have her to bed at the same time every night of the week - but we need a social life too.

7)      You may have a hard time balancing work, parenthood and life. It is really hard to balance all three.  The month of August is especially crazy this year - Adalynn will be at her normal daycare for like 12 days total all month. The last week in August, Adalynn will be with 3 different caretakers.  I don’t like taking off work - I have deadlines to meet, projects to complete, etc.  Adalynn is almost 7 months and some days I look at her in amazement and think of all the progress she has made over the last 2-3 months.  She is crawling, can stand on her own (using me and my husband as her jungle gym, not lifting herself to the couch, end tables etc. yet) .  I’m happy to be part of those milestones and some days I wish I could be with her all day to help her develop even more of those skills.  I could stay home - we would be fine financially, but wouldn’t be able to live the same lifestyle we do now.  But emotionally I don’t think I could do it.  I yearn for adult conversation and really enjoy feeling a sense of accomplishment.

8)      You will be bringing your child with everywhere.  If my husband is gone on a fishing/hunting trip or has softball on the weekends and he isn’t home - it’s just me and Addy.  If I want to go to Walmart I think twice about it and think “Is it really worth the time and work to bring Addy and her stuff?”   I usually end up waiting until Jerrick gets home or have him stop for me.   If I want to leave town to go shopping  I usually end up asking my mother-in-law to watch Addy because it is very difficult shopping with a baby all day. 

9)      Having a child will be the best thing that has ever happened to you. It is so easy to get discouraged when your baby won’t stop crying, won’t eat, won’t sleep, etc.  I have questioned my ability as a parent many times.  But I am also learning about myself. 

*-

Ø  I’ve learned that I don’t have near enough patience as I probably should with a crying baby.  I reach my breaking point after about 25-30 minutes of Adalynn crying and need help from Jerrick.

Ø  I don’t need to take anyone’s advice.  I gladly accept it, but (for example) I know letting Adalynn ‘cry it out’ doesn’t feel right and I will do things to prevent her from crying for long periods. 

Ø  I always put Adalynn first - doesn’t matter if I am starving, tired, whatever… her needs always come first and I never resent that.

Ø  My 3 favorite parts of the work week: When Addy sees me in the morning, her body goes wild with excitement - legs and arms flailing all over the place and a huge smile; picking her up from daycare - same reaction as the morning; and night time cuddles when she falls asleep in my arms before putting her in her crib.  Some nights I cry with her in my arms because I feel this overwhelming sense of pride and love for her.

Ø  Lastly, I have learned that no one is perfect and it’s impossible to do everything right.  You have to raise your child to know the different between right and wrong and to follow your heart with whatever feels right and pray for guidance, patience and comfort in knowing God has chosen you to take care of you little one.

Adalynn being a big girl and standing up with a little support!

Attachment

Adalynn is 5 1/5 months now and I am still struggling with attachment.  Don't get me wrong - obviously I love her to death, but I feel like I still have this wall between us.  I am so scared of giving her my heart.  Everything that happened with Zoe really scarred me.  I didn't think it would have this much affect on me after 10 years.  Some days are better than others - some days I am bursting with love and admiration for Adalynn and other days I want to be left alone.

When we go to a friends house, I feel isolated.  None of my friends ever make me feel that way - it is just the situation.  Adalynn gets so distracted when she isn't eating at home so I have to go to a quiet place with no one around to get her to eat.  I can't participate in the conversation and we always have to leave early because it is Adalynn's bedtime.  I know our friends completely understand and they have all been there too, but it's hard.  I know this is temporary and these are the things you sacrifice as a parent.    

Reading what I'm writing, it feels like I am being pretty selfish.  I am sorry for that.  I have a friend who lost her first born son after 11 days and I should be thankful for every single day I have with Adalynn.  I'm the lucky one who God chose to take care of Adalynn.  Life is completely different.  My marriage is different - not in a bad way, just different.  It's really hard to have a balance.  I'm so all over the place with my emotions - typical woman I suppose. 

I don't know if I will have another child.  If we do, it won't be for quite a few years.  It's not even hard with Adalynn - she is a really good baby and only really cries/whines when she is hungry or tired.  We got very lucky.  I wish I could embrace parenthood and love every minute of it.  I wish I didn't have this wall built up and could give Adalynn more of me.  I don't know how to break down the wall.  I am always on guard and trying to trust that she is with us forever.

I will always protect my girl and love her, I am just trying to let the scars heal.  I thought they already healed, but being part of the book has opened some pretty deep wounds.  I don't regret the book at all - I think it's a great story of love and sacrifice and there is no one other story out there like ours. 

Thank you to all of you who read this blog and for supporting us.  I love seeing the comments and it feels great to get this off my mind! XOXO

Mother's Day

This blog is waaaayyy overdue.  I apologize - with summer here and Adalynn being much more mobile, it's hard to sit down and get in the right mind set for blogging!

 This year was my 'first' Mother's Day.  Honestly, it was just another day - it didn't feel THAT special to me.  My REAL first mother's day was May 2004.  I had Zoe with me.  I remember we went to Green Mill for brunch with my Dad's side of the family.  I remember leaving her in her car seat on the floor as I ate. She was a good baby and perfectly content in there. 

 
After we ate, we went to my Dad's house.  It was my Dad, his girlfriend at the time, my grandparents, brother and aunts/uncles/cousins.  We were sitting in the living room, all of us surrounding Zoe as she was playing under her jungle gym.  My uncle asked me what I wanted for my future.  How was I supposed to answer that?  I wanted to go to college, but I also wanted to take care of Zoe.  He asked me what my dreams are - how am I supposed to answer that?  I didn't know.  I was 17.  Any normal 17 year old doesn't know what they want in life, let alone a 17 year old mother who has no idea where her life was going under the circumstances that seemed uncontrollable.  I dreamt of working in New York.  I dreamt of being a stay-at-home Mom.   I dreamt of leaving the states and living somewhere exotic with Zoe.  None of my dreams seemed realistic at the time, so I didn't know how to answer those questions.  Later that day, my brother and I went to Austin to be with our mother.  He drove my car and I was in the backseat with Zoe, feeding her in her car seat. 

 
I often wonder what my brother thought of this whole situation.  He was in college, so he had his own life and probably didn't think too much of it.  But, every Mother's Day for the past 10 years, he has gotten me a card.  That truly touches me every single year.  I know your wife reads this dear brother, so I hope she passes this on to you :)

 
I don't think it has sunk in that I will have my daughter with me every Mother's Day now.  I'm so used to celebrating Mother's Day with my Mother (and now my MIL), that I don't know HOW to celebrate me being a Mother.  To me, Mother's Day has just been another year without my babe. It's just different now and I'm trying to learn to not associate Mother's Day/parenthood with negative feelings. 

 
Anyway - thank you for reading my blog.  It feels great to get the emotions out - good and bad ones!

 
The book is available for pre-sales, with a 10/7/14 date to be delivered through www.amazon.com!

 
XOXO
Adalynn hanging out!

 My beautiful bouquet of flowers from my husband for Mother's Day!

Taking Zoe home

As I mentioned in another post, I took care of Zoe when she was 6 weeks until she was about 13 weeks old.  Adalynn is that same age right now.  I find myself comparing the girls at this stage.  Zoe was SUCH a talker - always making noises.  She would cry out (not a real cry-just talking) for up to ten minutes.  Adalynn doesn't do that - she responds to me when I coo at her by cooing back, but doesn't talk for a long stretch.  Looking back, I wonder since Zoe couldn't hear, that is why she wasn't responsive to me or would talk for minutes since she couldn't hear herself?

I remember I was served court papers at work for custody of Zoe from her birth father.  In retrospect - he was put in a position where this was the only way his voice could be heard. The guy who gave me the papers was wearing sreett clothes, so I had NO clue it was coming.  I remember I had to close the restaurant that night and when he handed me the papers, I knew what it was.  I couldn't finish my shift - I had someone else do it for me.  That person is actually my husband's step-cousin.  Again- funny how the past always seem to creep up.  I went home and woke my dad up (this was about 11 o'clock at night) and he told me we needed to call my social worker right away in the morning.  My social worker told me either me or Zoe's birthdad would have to pick her up from foster care.  Immediately, I knew that person should be me - I was her mother after all.  I know her birthfather would have done just as good of a job, but I would have felt like a pretty bad mother CHOOSING not to take of her. 

A few days leading up to me picking her up from foster care, I went to city-wide garage sales and got baby clothes (which Adalynn has worn a couple of times actually - I saved all the clothes I had for Zoe) and a car seat.  I would never buy a car seat from a garage sale now (illegal I think?), but I was 17 and had no clue. 

I remember driving up the driveway of her foster parents' country house and thinking they had a lot of cats and that I need to quit smoking.  I never smoked with Zoe in the car of course.  How surreal it was to pick up my daughter that I didn't think I would ever see again outside of pictures.  Her foster parent gave me clear instructions on how often to feed her, how much, when to diaper, how much she sleeps, tips, etc.  I only changed Zoe's diaper in the hospital a handful of times and that was the first time I had ever changed a diaper.  I went to a friends house after I left and she gave me parenting 101 in about 10 minutes (she took care of her infant nephew quite a bit).  What a blur.

It had only been me and my Dad in my Dad's house since I was 16 (my brother was in college).  Now there was a little baby in the house.   What the heck do you do with a baby??? I found myself staring at her a lot and trying to figure out what I was supposed to do, who I was supposed to be.  Should I get attached or am I just a temporary babysitter?  I was so mad at Zoe's birthfather, God, society, anybody really.  It's a terrible thing to go through - not having control of my fate and my daughter's fate at that moment in time.  The ball was in Zoe's birthdad's court and he was doing everything he could to keep her in his life.  I don't blame him - I admire him really.  I especially  have a greater appreciation of his choices now that I have Adalynn.   He was 23, I was 17.  He was at that age to settle down - I still had college years in front of me. 

Zoe's birthfather eventually signed off his parental rights and I had to do it again.  I was numb, emotionless when I went to the lawyers office.  It hurt to much to allow myself to feel anything.  This also meant I had to let her go again.  The 1st time in the hospital, 2nd time now.  Way too much loss for a 17 year old. 

I had a family chosen for Zoe and we met at the Caring Pregnancy Center (now Options Pregnancy Center) in Fairmont.  I held/hugged her one last time and left the center without my baby.  I still cry to this day when I really think hard about that day.

A few months later, the family I had chosen for her decided they were unable to take care of her due to her hearing loss.  I was in college by this point and so many thoughts went through my mind.  Do I quit school to take care of her?  Should I do online courses?  It's this God's way of telling me to keep her again?  Should I move home?  Zoe ended up going back to her foster parents and my social worker told me I needed to pick out a family AGAIN.  Good grief - REALLY?!  So, I chose her parents she is with now - Brandi & Tim.  They are both deaf, with 3 hearing boys.  It's a perfect match. 

My story, Zoe's story and Brandi's story is in a book titled Finding Zoe.  It is currently available to purchase through Amazon (not sure shipping date) for $15.00 and will be available for hard copies October 7, 2014.  I would really encourage you to buy it.  The authors are Gail Harris and Brandi Rarus (Zoe's Mom).  The book is mainly centered around Brandi and embracing being deaf after losing her hearing at age 6, but it goes into great detail about how Zoe found her path into Brandi's arms.  I have been interviewed, my parents, Zoe's birthdad, I think his parents, and the first family.  I guarantee you will be in tears.  I am excited to share Zoe and Brandi's story and I hope you find in your hearts to share it as well!

XOXO